Becoming Friends with a Crush

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Mark_Cangila
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Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 12:27 am UTC

I'm not really sure if I should post this hear or in LS&R. It is a mix of dating and friendship advice.

Basically, there's a girl in my class who I have an actual crush on. Not just a crush because she's hot, but because she seems really nice. We also have 2 mutual friends. I have no plans on dating her (at all). She doesn't like me anyways. I do, however, want to become friends with her. However, I have no idea where to start. One of our mutual friends is a good friend of mine, so could help. I don't really know what she is interested in either. I sit next to her at lunch, but she just looks thru Insta and listens to music. My friend suggested I just talk about something interesting near her, and hope she becomes interested, but she has earphones in and is shy (I think), so that won't work. Today I planned to ask her if she wanted to play chess, (on my kindle) and I almost tapped her shoulder to get her attention. Then I chickened out (She didn't notice sigh of relief). She probably wouldn't respond anyway. I would ask "How many apples have you eaten?" as a joke, but she probably doesn't read XKCD. Any advice?

Sorry for the wall of text.

TL;DR:
There is a girl I have a crush on who I want to be friends with. How do I purposefully become friends with someone?

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heuristically_alone
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby heuristically_alone » Thu May 17, 2018 12:57 am UTC

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 1:36 am UTC

That was pretty good. Thanks! My one issue is that I only sit next to the person in lunch, and I think she listens to music. I could ask what music she's listening to, but IDK if she is actually is listening to music. Plus, if she is, it would interrupt her music, which is rude.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby heuristically_alone » Thu May 17, 2018 1:45 am UTC

You could ask her about her music and if she gets really excited to share then you're gold. If she does shorter responses without an effort to carry on the conversation then just politely acknowledge her response and call it a small win for the day.
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Mark_Cangila
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 2:13 am UTC

That could work. I'm just really really nervous. This is effectively the first time I've had an actual crush. Let me ask our mutual friend what she thinks.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 2:37 am UTC

Also, I feel really weird approaching this like a problem to be solved. Reminds me of https://xkcd.com/55/.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby heuristically_alone » Thu May 17, 2018 2:43 am UTC

Practices inspires perfection. And if you get rejected, it's ok. Talking to crushes is like trial and error.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Zohar » Thu May 17, 2018 2:34 pm UTC

Don't try to get a person's attention if they're wearing headphones. That's usually a signal they don't want to talk with people and are concentrating on something different.

You have a mutual friend. Ask her and the friend at the same time to do a thing - hang out, play a game, go see a movie, get a snack after school - I have no idea, I've never been a teenager in the US and I'm ooooold. But this way you clarify you're not asking her out on a date (because you're asking the other friend too). If she declines but suggests an alternative ("Can't today, can we do this Wednesday?"), go with that. If she declines but doesn't suggest an alternative ("Can't today, let's do this another time" falls under this category), ask her and friend to do a different thing a week later. If she again declines, stop asking her to things, she's probably not interested at the moment.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby SecondTalon » Thu May 17, 2018 3:12 pm UTC

I sit next to her at lunch,
What does this mean?

I have my own limited experience so I don’t know how that applies to you - is your lunch seating assigned, as in due to whatever method you two are next to each other? Or do you choose to share a space?

If the latter, are you always joining her, or is she joining you?

Are you both at the same table because of the mutual friend? If the friend is out sick, especially for a few days, does she eat elsewhere or does she continue to share your meal space?

Her behavior for that alone should be a decent enough indicator.

That said, don’t bother her with headphones in and all that - one of the reasons she may enjoy your company at lunch may be because you leave her the hell alone to dick around on her phone and she enjoys the break from interaction. Talk to her before or after lunch. And do what Zohar suggested re:activities with friend
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Mark_Cangila
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 4:44 pm UTC

Tables are assigned. She sits in the same spot each day, and I sit by her because an unrelated friend of mine sits across from that seat. Also, I don't actually know her that well. I can't ask her and the mutual friend to go somewhere together because I never see them at the same time.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Zohar » Thu May 17, 2018 4:50 pm UTC

Well you'll have to start somewhere. I suppose another option is to see if your friend is OK with arranging the invite, but if they don't feel like it (which is fine, they're not obligated to play matchmaker) you'll have to do the work yourself.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby doogly » Thu May 17, 2018 4:51 pm UTC

If she just looks at insta and listens to music, you should drop a mixtape and become insta famous. It's the 21st century baby, step it up.

Quicker route might be to try waving at her to ask her about the chess. Or be like, "Hey, want to go to the zoo sometime?" You should visit the zoo with her, it is an ace tip that I offer to your for free.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Tyndmyr » Thu May 17, 2018 7:48 pm UTC

Zohar wrote:Don't try to get a person's attention if they're wearing headphones. That's usually a signal they don't want to talk with people and are concentrating on something different.


This. People deliberately avoiding social interaction are best approached another time. Headphones, crossed arms/closed off stance, leaning away from people...all very good clues that they'd rather not be social at that exact point. Look for a better time or place.

As for how to become friends with people, I suggest focusing on being the sort of person who embodies the qualities you like to see in a friend. It may or may not result in you making friends with her in particular, but it'll definitely be helpful in general.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 8:27 pm UTC

Apparently, she doesn't use headphones during lunch. I thought she did. One of our mutual friends told me a band the person likes, so I'm listening to it rn and it's quite good.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby doogly » Thu May 17, 2018 8:38 pm UTC

I would recommend less research and more conversation.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Thu May 17, 2018 10:39 pm UTC

She'll think I'm weird. Randomly talking about some band she likes. She'll wonder how I know.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Soupspoon » Thu May 17, 2018 11:44 pm UTC

doogly wrote:I would recommend less research and more conversation.

Unless the 'band' is Elvis Presley, in which case a little less conversation, a little more action, please.

;)

Seriously, though, while I'm personally far from being the case-study in approaching people I might suggest that approaching your 'crush' as a friend should be no different from approaching anyone else as a friend. That you have mutual friends in common indicates that (untargetted) friendship is not beyond your capabilities, and you probably just need to do what you usually do to be reciprocally-friended, only specifically in their presence. Targetting a friendship isn't just useful for crush-but-aim-for-friends but for all levels of friendship and alliance.

Trying too hard can be creepy and off-putting (get your friend-in-common to clue you in on this sort of thing if you're already willing to have them know your plan), and there's a chance that this attempt might interfere with an existing friendship (is this FIC possibly already crushing on <them or you>, and might resent this new side of a 'crush'-triangle - sorry, another potential layer of complication to the whole process you may need to try to intuit!).

From experience, it's also entirely possible that while you're trying to find an in on friendshipping your crush, there's someone out there trying to make a friendship (or more!) with you. Hopefully you'll pick this up before it ends up a current problem or a past regret. But that's life for you, don't worry too much about it.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Fri May 18, 2018 12:50 am UTC

How do you become friends with a normal person (not crush)? I'm bad at making friends on purpose.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby doogly » Fri May 18, 2018 1:37 am UTC

I invite them into my house and give them soup and/or scotch. People fuckin love food. The zoo also works. You sound like you're too young for scotch though. More like schnapps. You could do worse.

OK, yeah, gettin back into that mindset. What else works. Alright, bring in some dominoes to lunch. Drop the bones on the table. Rustle up a round. Dominoes is sick at high school lunch. Get that happening. I believe in you, you can make dominoes a thing. Just get a set with spinners and without colored pips, or you will look a rube.
LE4dGOLEM: What's a Doug?
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Keep waggling your butt brows Brothers.
Or; Is that your eye butthairs?

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Fri May 18, 2018 2:25 am UTC

IDK how to play Dominos. Also, middle school.

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SecondTalon
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby SecondTalon » Fri May 18, 2018 2:37 am UTC

Yeah, just be blunt. “You seem neat, can we talk?”

Also, and I want you to understand this - the worst case scenario is she makes a face and says “No” in the same sort of tone one might use if you asked them to share your plate of dog shit.

And that’ll hurt.

It’ll also not matter in a week. And literally no one but you will remember it a year from now.

So just do it. No one in their twenties ever said “I really regret asking that one person to talk and getting shot down back in 7th grade”

Hell, no one in late 7th grade ever said that about early 7th grade.

“But what do we talk about” my hypothetical construct of you asks.

Easy - her. Ask what bands she’s in to. Not one, people are always in to more than one. Ask what films she’s in to, shows, YouTube streams if that’s what the kids do. Ask about pets, siblings, food. Ask about light politics. The whole damn point of your conversation is to figure out if the her you’ve built in your head is anything like she actually is.

And again - worst case is she’s rude as fuck. Then you’ve dodged a bullet by not getting involved.

Oh, and monosyllabic answers, answers that leave no room for follow up questions, zero questions back at you - give it a moment to make sure she’s not just awkward then say something like “Well, you seem busy so I’ll leave you alone”

...then leave her alone.

But honestly, hell, your first instinct isn’t bad either. Ask her to play chess on a phone.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Sungura » Fri May 18, 2018 3:41 am UTC

Boys who wanted to be my friend in 7th grade that I recommend you NOT do:
- showed me how they could dislocate their shoulder
- pulled my hair (yes. 7thgrade)
- burped in my face (yes. 7th grade)
- showed off their basketball skills by stealing my ball (my two female friends and I took it back challeged to a 3 on 3 and totally smashed them so at least that bit was fun. Ughhhh stupid middle school boys)

Boys who wanted to be my friend in 7thgrade that you should try:
- simply said hello
(But yes I agree not when wearing headphones!!)
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby doogly » Fri May 18, 2018 12:00 pm UTC

Mark_Cangila wrote:IDK how to play Dominos. Also, middle school.

You can totally pick up dominoes. It is a very easy game, much easier than dropping a good mixtape, but extremely good. Make dominoes happen. It's so much better than chess. I highly recommend looking into this. Waiting till high school to pick up dominoes was a primo mistake. 7th grade, we had some Magic the Gathering at lunch. This was pretty fresh for like a hot month.
LE4dGOLEM: What's a Doug?
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Keep waggling your butt brows Brothers.
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Fri May 18, 2018 12:04 pm UTC

My lunch table is generally boring. I'll excecute my plan Monday probably.

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby doogly » Fri May 18, 2018 12:05 pm UTC

aight start with the cold open we'll get you to Social Chair in a year, it can happen.
LE4dGOLEM: What's a Doug?
Noc: A larval Doogly. They grow the tail and stinger upon reaching adulthood.

Keep waggling your butt brows Brothers.
Or; Is that your eye butthairs?

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Fri May 18, 2018 12:23 pm UTC

I think I can I think I can I think I can...

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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby Mark_Cangila » Fri May 18, 2018 6:53 pm UTC

SUCCESS!!! Sorta. I talked to her for 1 or 2 minutes. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing.

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plytho
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Re: Becoming Friends with a Crush

Postby plytho » Fri May 18, 2018 7:37 pm UTC

Well, you talked. That happened :D
he him his


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