1679: "Substitutions 3"

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Echo244
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1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Echo244 » Wed May 11, 2016 2:03 pm UTC

Image

Title text: "BREAKING: Channing Tatum and his friends explore haunted city".

FINAL: Interplanetary war escalates after leaked poem reveals Channing Tatum and his friends planning to destroy government menage a trois on cutting science funding...
Unstoppable force of nature. That means she/her/hers.
Has committed an act of treason.

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Don Reba
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Don Reba » Wed May 11, 2016 2:08 pm UTC

Made this FoxReplace script from the three Substitutions comics: https://pastebin.com/biR7Ty4B.

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Flumble
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Flumble » Wed May 11, 2016 2:59 pm UTC

*ultimate

(I hope I got the right word; can't listen to the sketch right now, but the joke's there)

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby ps.02 » Wed May 11, 2016 3:09 pm UTC

Boring. Though I can't blame Randall for doing these. If I were under pressure to come up with something funny 3 times a week, I'd keep a few of these kinds of things in my back pocket too, for times I can't find a better idea by deadline.

But really? He decides to go from "War of Words" to "War of the Worlds" but then paraphrases the latter?

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Gruner » Wed May 11, 2016 4:27 pm UTC

Made this FoxReplace script from the three Substitutions comics: https://pastebin.com/biR7Ty4B.


Aha, that's just what I was looking for. I'm gonna download Firefox just to try it out.

Thank you!

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby sotanaht » Wed May 11, 2016 5:04 pm UTC

I like that changing "cautiously optimistic" doesn't actually change the meaning in the slightest.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby cellocgw » Wed May 11, 2016 5:09 pm UTC

What are the rules of substitutions?

Is it like hockey: unlimited, and on the fly? Or like soccer: only 3 per news(thingy) and only on breaks in play?

Or maybe it's worse, like
Bobby: I'd like a plain omelet.No potatoes on the plate.
A cup of coffee and a side orderof wheat toast.
Waitress: I'm sorry, we don't haveany side orders of toast.
I'll give you an English muffinor a coffee roll.
Bobby: No side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don't you?
Wiatress: Would you like to talk
to the manager?- Hey, mack.
Bobby: Shut up.You've got bread and a toaster of some kind?
Waitress: I don't make the rules.
Bobby: I'll make it as easy for you as I can.
I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
Waitress: A #2, chicken salad sand. Hold the butter, the lettuce, the mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee. Anything else?
Bobby: Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.
Waitress: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
Bobby: I want you to hold it between your knees.
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Reecer6 » Wed May 11, 2016 5:49 pm UTC

While we're reading news that would theoretically mention The Big Bang Theory, you should also make sure to substitute The Doctor with Doctor Who. Or, to extend it, substitute out all "doctor" and "doctors".

Not "Dr." though. That'd be unwieldy. And I don't want some streets to become time lords.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Soupspoon » Wed May 11, 2016 6:19 pm UTC

I think it's such that we end up with sentences like "Our The Big Bang Theory performed the penis-enlargement surgery apologised most profoundly to the lady concerned."

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Keyman » Wed May 11, 2016 7:39 pm UTC

Soupspoon wrote:I think it's such that we end up with sentences like "Our The Big Bang Theory performed the penis-enlargement surgery apologised most profoundly to the lady concerned."
As well they should!
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Tirear » Wed May 11, 2016 8:21 pm UTC

Replacing "you won't believe" definitely makes some sites much more bearable. Now, are there any suggestions for what to replace "one weird trick" with?

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Pfhorrest » Wed May 11, 2016 9:21 pm UTC

Tirear wrote:Now, are there any suggestions for what to replace "one weird trick" with?

"Obvious scam claiming". E.g.:

"One weird trick to double the length of your penis overnight!" -> "Obvious scam claiming to double the length of your penis overnight!"
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Mikeski » Thu May 12, 2016 12:09 am UTC

Pfhorrest wrote:
Tirear wrote:Now, are there any suggestions for what to replace "one weird trick" with?

"Obvious scam claiming". E.g.:

"One weird trick to double the length of your penis overnight!" -> "Obvious scam claiming to double the length of your penis overnight!"

Just "obvious scam". That way it works at the end of a sentence, too: "Halve your blood pressure with this one weird trick obvious scam!"

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby JimsMaher » Thu May 12, 2016 1:28 am UTC

Whovians → Big Bang Theorists

Note:
My signature below is a quote from Charles Babbage about a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson. The question that vexes me now is wether or not I should invert the substitution for "poem"? Tennyson and Babbage ... were they Facebook friends or did Babbage follow Tennyson's tweets?

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby orthogon » Thu May 12, 2016 7:14 am UTC

JimsMaher wrote:Whovians → Big Bang Theorists

Note:
My signature below is a quote from Charles Babbage about a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson. The question that vexes me now is wether or not I should invert the substitution for "poem"? Tennyson and Babbage ... were they Facebook friends or did Babbage follow Tennyson's tweets?

It all depends on whether there was a Twitter app for the Analytical Engine. (Come to think of it, "analytical engine" has potential as a substitution).
xtifr wrote:... and orthogon merely sounds undecided.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Soupspoon » Thu May 12, 2016 11:51 am UTC

orthogon wrote:It all depends on whether there was a Twitter app for the Analytical Engine.
Was it connected to the Clacks?

See also here, if you wish...

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby OP Tipping » Thu May 12, 2016 2:12 pm UTC

Aaaah ... Big Bang Theory jumped the shark a little while back.

Whereas I'll still be watching DW fifty years from now.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby brendan_orr » Thu May 12, 2016 4:56 pm UTC

JimsMaher wrote:Whovians → Big Bang Theorists

Note:
My signature below is a quote from Charles Babbage about a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson. The question that vexes me now is wether or not I should invert the substitution for "poem"? Tennyson and Babbage ... were they Facebook friends or did Babbage follow Tennyson's tweets?


Or "Master"|"Missy" with "Wheaton"?

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Kalium_Puceon » Thu May 12, 2016 5:29 pm UTC

For those of you who use Chrome there's also a chrome extension to do this. It comes loaded with a few of the substitutions already and you can add your own if you want.
"You never get over the desire to do stupid things. You simply have to overrule your stupid urges with an acquired sense of fear."

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby UltramaticOrange » Fri May 13, 2016 5:32 pm UTC

Updated my site to include the new substitutions: http://104.236.207.5/

Site updates every 5min via RSS feeds.

source code: https://github.com/UltramaticOrange/xkcd_news
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby JimsMaher » Sat May 14, 2016 6:41 am UTC

UltramaticOrange wrote:Updated my site to include the new substitutions: http://104.236.207.5/

Site updates every 5min via RSS feeds.

source code: https://github.com/UltramaticOrange/xkcd_news


The sampling I took had 3 substitutions total out of the first 30 headline-plus-blurbs that loaded. So I'm wondering, is the purpose here to check the utility of just the substitutions provided? Or are you trying to get at the intention of the substitutions? Because as is, it was two "a bag of Cheetos" and a "Bloop" ... and they just read as non sequitors among a deluge of mostly depressing news stories.

Given the limited table of substitutions, it might be a better representation of the idea if you limited the feed to display items that contained atleast one replacement. Although, if you want the full sampling, I still have to ask: do you really need the verizon ad posing as news to be listed? ...

Edit:
Tallying words from omitted articles would provide a rank ordering of best candidates for future substitution, making for a more interesting experience. Variety is the goal but you're just using Randall's substitutions, I guess ... so nevermind.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby heuristically_alone » Sat May 14, 2016 8:40 am UTC

Trump finds pokemon, but loses support from Republican party

What a shame. I thought it was a good effort for once
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby UltramaticOrange » Sat May 14, 2016 6:39 pm UTC

JimsMaher wrote:The sampling I took had 3 substitutions total out of the first 30 headline-plus-blurbs that loaded. So I'm wondering, is the purpose here to check the utility of just the substitutions provided? Or are you trying to get at the intention of the substitutions? Because as is, it was two "a bag of Cheetos" and a "Bloop" ... and they just read as non sequitors among a deluge of mostly depressing news stories.


My purpose is to get the news with the occasional anecdote. Nothing more than that. "a bag of Cheetos" was my reward for adding error handling and it isn't any more invasive than "Catolina" or "Day Cate" in my opinion. I don't know where you think "Bloop" is coming from. It is not any of the substiutions (which is easily verified) and, in fact, "bloop" (regardless of case) isn't present anywhere in the source. Needless to say, that non sequitur "Bloop" was original to the news outlet.

JimsMaher wrote:Do you really need the verizon ad posing as news to be listed?


Some of the RSS feeds I pull from put advertisements at the end of the story summary. I obviously have no control over 3rd party content, and differentiating a Verizon advertisement from a headline about Verizon really isn't possible.
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby JimsMaher » Sat May 14, 2016 7:24 pm UTC

UltramaticOrange wrote: I don't know where you think "Bloop" is coming from. It is not any of the substiutions (which is easily verified) and, in fact, "bloop" (regardless of case) isn't present anywhere in the source. Needless to say, that non sequitur "Bloop" was original to the news outlet.


If only the news itself were so easily verified as maleable code posted to the internet. I notice the article is missing at the moment. Does the feed cycle out stories so quickly? I suppose I could attempt to verify that too ... but needless to say ... I'd be making presumptions about causation. Meh.

The case of the phantom bloop will just remain unsolvd ... for now.

UPDATE:
3 years after our original mystery aired, stories have surfaced of the once elusive bloop being used as the verb form of blooper. With the sporting public now embracing the bloop, it has left its former cryptid home and entered the open world of our common lexicon. Truly a watershed moment.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby UltramaticOrange » Sat May 14, 2016 7:55 pm UTC

JimsMaher wrote:If only the news itself were so easily verified as maleable code posted to the internet. I notice the article is missing at the moment. Does the feed cycle out stories so quickly?


The page refreshes every 5min and stories are put in order according to the publish date provided in the RSS feed. Updates to articles, and feeds that are slow to update will cause order to change from time to time, but generally speaking, everything will shift gradually down until it is removed by the publisher of the feed.

JimsMaher wrote:I suppose I could attempt to verify that too ... but needless to say ... I'd be making presumptions about causation. Meh.

There are two data sources: the substitutions I'm adding and the RSS feeds. I've fully eliminated the substitutions process. "...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." Needless to say, I'm more than satisfied that there have been no presumptions about causation.
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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby panther991 » Tue May 17, 2016 9:13 pm UTC

A few of my replacements:

bank -> wank
Brexit -> nipple rings ("IMF asserts nipple rings would have a deleterious effect on the British economy...")

football -> competitive masturbation ("Various forms of competitive masturbation can be identified in history, often as popular peasant games. Contemporary codes of competitive masturbation can be traced back to the codification of these games at English public schools during the nineteenth century...")

politically_correct -> actually correct ("Trump says, "The problem with this country is that we're too worried about being actually correct'...")

ISIS -> Death Eaters
Christian(s) -> Jedi ("are the Death Eaters carrying out a campaign of genocide against Syria's Jedi?")

Pope -> High Sparrow
have sex -> Make America Great Again
had sex -> Made America Great Again ("Newlywed husband divorces his wife hours after the ceremony because she was too busy texting her friends to Make America Great Again on their wedding night...")

Vladimir Putin -> Khal Drogo
Donald Trump -> Eric Cartman
Bill Clinton -> Frank Underwood
Muhammad -> Melisandre
God -> Neil Patrick Harris
Apple -> Umbrella Corp
Google -> our robotic overlords
racists -> Mudbloods
United Nations -> Ministry of Magic ("The Ministry of Magic accuses so-called Death Eaters of systematic and widespread violence, including holding...")

Supreme Court -> Wizengamot ("John G. Roberts Jr. is the 17th and current Supreme Mugwump of the United States...")

I am having an unhealthy amount of fun with this.

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Draco18s » Thu Jul 14, 2016 12:54 am UTC

Image
Image

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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Soupspoon » Thu Jul 14, 2016 1:00 am UTC


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Re: 1679: "Substitutions 3"

Postby Draco18s » Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:15 pm UTC

I feel dirty now.

Because I was just linked this:

https://streamable.com/bq4s

(rehost of the original to avoid giving the Trump campaign's version more views)



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