xkcd

by **chloeolhc** » Sat Sep 13, 2008 1:22 pm UTC

A kid (age 10/11) in my mum's sex education class asked "if I had sex with a dog, would I have a baby or a puppy?"
How can you even begin to answer that?!

by **wst** » Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:21 pm UTC

pseudoidiot wrote:
localhost wrote:In High School biology, on the subject of the composition of Semen...

Teacher: So the semen has a large amount of fructose, which is a type of sugar
Dumb Blonde: So then why does it taste salty?

That reminds me of something that happened to a friend of mine in a high school biology class. The teacher was showing the class what cells look like, so she asked for a volunteer to swab their cheek to get a sample and some girl volunteered. The teacher puts the sample under the microscope and projects it up on the wall... only to see a lot of movement. And by movement, I mean sperm swimming around.

Fresh then. Must have fellatio'd at lunchtime or something. Otherwise, I call BS on both tales. 1) The salty one has been featured on loads of sites, etc, it's an urban legend. 2) Sperm die soon after ejaculation, unless in the vagina... and by 'soon', I mean, you can have a blow, kiss the girl, and then perform cunnilingus without getting her pregnant... unless she's just done it to someone, I doubt it's true, tbh.

by **Master Gunner** » Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:41 pm UTC

One of my friends, who I regularly exchange sex/your mom jokes with (mainly to annoy one of our straight-laced friends, and also because we can be incredibly immature), after the teacher said that we can't study a certain book due to school censors and it containing the dreaded "fuck":

Hey, we are icons of maturity!

Que class breaking into laughter for 5 minutes (121 English for the record).

by **Silvyr** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 1:09 am UTC

*as teacher checks sentences for a story we had to write in French*
teacher: what is this..? Predators... austrians...
Phil: Australians! not Austrians.
Teacher: well.. this doesn't say either. And what? Why is 'road' written in english?
Phil: oh.. I guess I forgot.
Teacher: theres a lot of random words in english.. and some are in French that aren't even real words!
Phil: Whut? Yes they are. I made them up!
Sam: Phil! How many times have I told you that you can't just MAKE UP words in French.
Phil: Sure I can. Queljour.
Teacher: What? What what what?
Phil: That's whatever

Teacher: No it's not! Whatever is quel que soit!
Phil: oh... well. Quel que soit! Parles à la main.

*random discussion in French class*
Sam: remember when my brother was all "I don't curr."
Teacher: hahaha. yeah. "i don't curr." XD
Lindsay [on other side of class]: I remember when thats all that Phil that said.
Phil: what? When Did I say "I don't curr" a lot?
Lindsay: Oh! I thought you said "I concur".
Phil: Oh, I remember that. I concur.

by **mypsychoticself** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:21 am UTC

After we played sex bingo (it is what it sounds like), our RA told us:
"If you have any emergencies at night, like you're horny or have a hard-on, you can come to me and I'll give you..." I didn't hear the rest because we were laughing too hard.

The best part was that he said this with a straight face.

by **Eliminator Jr.** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 11:40 am UTC

I've got an I.T teacher who refers to his arms as guns. He names one of his guns Mary-Kate and the other Ashley. He's sometimes a bit strict but he can take a joke. He makes bad Norris jokes constantly. This happened until a few days ago.

Student: That was a crap joke!
Teacher: Hey! Do you want me to get Mary Kate and Ashley on to you?
Student: Uh.. I dunno, they're looking a bit anorexic.
Teacher: Well come over here and say that!
Student: But I'm not allowed out of my seat..

by **OmegaLord** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:05 pm UTC

i_ll_winn wrote:This is a quote of my own, I hope you don't mind.
One of my friend's was talking to me and I was being kind of mean so he says "GOD!!!"
So I respond by saying "No, I'm <my name here>, but It's good to know you think of me like that."

I may or may not be known as Jesus to some of my friends.

by **PoohBear** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 11:40 pm UTC

Teacher: "What are you doing with that (pen)"
Me: "Blowing on it's tip so stuff comes flying out the end"
Teacher: laughing, "Oh....and how does that pertain to the Odyssey"
Me: Well: "Well blowing this represents my quest"

by **codyhotel** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 3:10 am UTC

PoohBear wrote:Teacher: "What are you doing with that (pen)"
Me: "Blowing on it's tip so stuff comes flying out the end"
Teacher: laughing, "Oh....and how does that pertain to the Odyssey"
Me: Well: "Well blowing this represents my quest"

Your last line should have been "Maybe if Homer's Wife did this a little more often he would've been in more of a rush to get home"

by **Benfrenchman** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 7:15 am UTC

codyhotel wrote:
PoohBear wrote:Teacher: "What are you doing with that (pen)"
Me: "Blowing on it's tip so stuff comes flying out the end"
Teacher: laughing, "Oh....and how does that pertain to the Odyssey"
Me: Well: "Well blowing this represents my quest"

Your last line should have been "Maybe if Homer's Wife did this a little more often he would've been in more of a rush to get home"

Odysseus's wife, but lol anyway.

by **AtomicCow** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:07 pm UTC

I went to Catholic schools from K-12. Well my senior year we had a senior class mass in the morning. At that time of my life I had given up on religion so I went up to get communion. I recived the waffer in my hand, broke it down the middle, and placed them between my top lip and gums so they hung like vampire teeth.

I turn to my friends, "Rawr! Jesus Fangs!"

We all just lost it. I hurried and ate them before a teacher saw, and we were told to leave mass. Best day of school ever.

by **Probably Human** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:11 am UTC

My teacher told me about this one, but I'm pretty sure it's true. The same teacher also told us that if we make up a funny enough answer to a question we don't know, she would give us a bonus point.
One of the questions in a recent test was: "How did the Aboriginal people originally come to Australia?"
Students answer: "They flew with QANTAS"

by **Ciega** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:51 am UTC

A few days ago in choir the director asked us what period the piece we were about to sing was from, and got into a disagreement with one of the baritones (who is a music major) about whether it was middle or late Baroque. It all sounds very scholarly up to that point, but the way he (the student) explained his opinion was:
"Come on, 1725? Bach was still kickin' then, they didn't close this puppy for another 500 years!"
When the director caught her breath from laughing she told him not to refer to the Baroque Era as a puppy.

by **aligator1** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:25 am UTC

my friend piped up out of no where one day when everyone was really quiet: 'it's hard to draw boobs on a stick figure' and also 'my train of thought just ran out of steam'

the teacher was talking about sex and drugs in the media to a group of people, and i had no idea what she was talking about and was talking to others about the lack of time we had to do the assignment and i yelled 'i need some more!' that was a bit awkward

by **captainninjatron** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:17 pm UTC

Yesterday I was discussing the quirks of swearing in other languages with a friend in the (empty) commons. Another student came into the commons, and just as he was walking by our table I said, "Yeah, Arabs really have a thing for penuses." The student stopped, looked at me, then kept walking real quick.

by **Silvyr** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 8:56 pm UTC

*in a pysch class*

Teacher: Yeah. And have you ever noticed how cats ears turn a lot? Like when you walk into a room their too stuck up to turn and aknoweldge you're there, but their ear will turn to you and go "what do you want?"

Student: Never cut a cat's whiskers... they run into walls...

by **Poochy** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:49 am UTC

From a friend of mine:

"There's no way the animals in the zoo could be happy living in a cage. We should send them all back to Africa!"

Then everybody took the second sentence completely out of context. XD

by **HedgehogsAreFunneh** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:07 pm UTC

I was hanging around in my school's theatre, and not really paying much attention to anyone, when this reaches my ears out of the blue:

"And you don't like eggs!! HOW CAN SOMEONE WITH SUCH A GOOD BRITISH ACCENT NOT LIKE EGGS??!"

by **Sirius B** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 10:24 pm UTC

My art class had to go to an open day at a design college, and we had to do some really basic tasks that would supposedly make us think. One was to make four triangles out of six lolly sticks. I made a tetrahedron while everyone else faffed around trying to make them in 2D and said "er.. is that right?". The guy running the open day said something about only 3% of people working that out (likely bollocks), so my friend piped up "yes but she's really clever, she's a physician!". It was a bit depressing that no one else realised what was wrong with that statement, but it made me laugh anyway.

by **OmegaLord** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:44 pm UTC

Sirius B wrote:My art class had to go to an open day at a design college, and we had to do some really basic tasks that would supposedly make us think. One was to make four triangles out of six lolly sticks. I made a tetrahedron while everyone else faffed around trying to make them in 2D and said "er.. is that right?". The guy running the open day said something about only 3% of people working that out (likely bollocks), so my friend piped up "yes but she's really clever, she's a physician!". It was a bit depressing that no one else realised what was wrong with that statement, but it made me laugh anyway.

I don't think I get it.
Also, I can totally do the 4/6 deal.

by **codyhotel** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:32 pm UTC

OmegaLord wrote:
Sirius B wrote:My art class had to go to an open day at a design college, and we had to do some really basic tasks that would supposedly make us think. One was to make four triangles out of six lolly sticks. I made a tetrahedron while everyone else faffed around trying to make them in 2D and said "er.. is that right?". The guy running the open day said something about only 3% of people working that out (likely bollocks), so my friend piped up "yes but she's really clever, she's a physician!". It was a bit depressing that no one else realised what was wrong with that statement, but it made me laugh anyway.

I don't think I get it.
Also, I can totally do the 4/6 deal.

physician =/= physicist

by **gkemp** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:56 am UTC

I said this one

Teacher goes to other room to get a flamethrower
Other Kid: I think flamethrowers were outlawed by the Geneva convention
Me:Screw the geneva convention, i didnt sign it!

by **codyhotel** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:03 pm UTC

today in biology talking about Prokaryotic Cells

Prof: And what takes up 90% of Earths biomass? Its not frogs, or panda bears, or humans, of mosquitos, its
(he was about to say prokaryotic cells)
Me: ELEPHANTS!

by **Pirate.Bondage** » Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:05 pm UTC

Chapa, the student, was being yelled at by the teacher for being too noisy or something.

Teacher: You're being inappropriate and I've had enough! Go to the office! Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Chapa: I MAKE BITCHES MOAN! *Runs out of room*

Whole class was cracking up. I love Chapa.

by **Cynical Idealist** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:57 am UTC

Our calc 1 professor was giving a lecture on derivatives, and why there's a point where they become bloody pointless. He started with an example from physics: the derivative of position is velocity, the derivative of velocity is accelleration, the derivative of accelleration is "jerk" (not sure where he got that from)...it lead to "What is the derivative of jerk?", to which somebody replied "Asshole?"

by **masher** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:41 am UTC

Cynical Idealist wrote:the derivative of position is velocity, the derivative of velocity is accelleration, the derivative of accelleration is "jerk" (not sure where he got that from)...it lead to "What is the derivative of jerk?", to which somebody replied "Asshole?"

It then goes "snap", "crackle" and "pop"

by **Silvyr** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:01 pm UTC

Eliott: Wow.. he sounds kinda conceited...
teacher: Dude. He's William freaking Shakespeare. If ANYONE has the right to be conceited, he does.

by **OmegaLord** » Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:20 pm UTC

codyhotel wrote:
OmegaLord wrote:
Sirius B wrote:My art class had to go to an open day at a design college, and we had to do some really basic tasks that would supposedly make us think. One was to make four triangles out of six lolly sticks. I made a tetrahedron while everyone else faffed around trying to make them in 2D and said "er.. is that right?". The guy running the open day said something about only 3% of people working that out (likely bollocks), so my friend piped up "yes but she's really clever, she's a physician!". It was a bit depressing that no one else realised what was wrong with that statement, but it made me laugh anyway.

I don't think I get it.
Also, I can totally do the 4/6 deal.

physician =/= physicist

Oh, see I assumed that physicians had to be kind of clever too. You know. Helping people and stuff.

by **Synthuir** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 12:59 am UTC

(Discussing O.J. Simpson trial)

Teacher: People just didn't want to believe that he was guilty because---
Student: He's a veterinarian!

Completely random...

by **ParanoidAndroid** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:00 am UTC

An in class exchange with a Philosophy TA that I'm friends with (I was playing devil's advocate):

Me: "Well, why should I presuppose that my mind is reliable at all? What if I believe that no action is any less arbitrary than another? Why can't I say, 'I'm irrational and so are you, end of story.'?"
TA: "Well, then I would ask on what you base that belief on."
Me: "GREEN!"
TA: ...
TA: (Laughing) "That's honestly the best answer I've ever gotten."

by **MrHackman** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:19 am UTC

Teacher is explaining the laws of supply and demand, and I am completely zoned out.
Teacher:"So, MrHackman, if a company made only a small amount of an item, and there was a huge demand for it, what would you have?
Me(caught off guard): Um, the release of a new video game console?

Teacher is going on and on about how X is true (don't remember the details), and nobody can figure out why X is true.
Class ditz: Hi, I'm stupid? I don't get why X is true.

These are copied out of my quotebook, but the context has been forgotten (or repressed. it's hard to tell these days). But they definitely happened at school!
T:"Can't I just be tingly for scott?"

A:"Taking off pants was never so tricky."

V:"I can't concentrate with all this anal sex!"

C:"I'd make such a good drunk"

by **Synthuir** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:43 am UTC

Ahh, just remembered another one, this time from Junior High 'Enrichment' class...:

Student: "I remember seeing a book on one of my teacher's desks entitled "How to Teach Gifted Students". I guess it could help, but it looked like a picture book,"

That was hilarious back in the day...

by **Givenup** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 3:26 am UTC

best one so far. The Ag science teacher got mad at a buddy of mine for wearing a hat in school and not wearing his ID near the end of the day.
(dumb rules at a new highschool) but my friend gets up out of his seat grabs his books and says "peace out, girl scout."
they got written up and the teacher put in the note that he got called a girl scout...My friend got a warning.

by **Zak** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 3:29 am UTC

This is from today, 11th grade U.S. history.

student - "Hey, how'd i do on the test"?
teacher - "You did well actually".
s - "Really, FUCK YES"
teacher stares at him
s - "Uh, i mean, HELL YES, uh, heck yes"?

by **Alpha Omicron** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:50 am UTC

Givenup wrote:Best one so far. The Agg science teacher got mad at a buddy of mine for wearing a hat in school and not wearing his ID near the end of the day (lame rules at a new highschool). My friend gets up out of his seat grabs his books and says "Peace out girl scout." He was written up and the teacher put in the note that he got called a girl scout... my friend got a warning.

Fix'd for grammar, spelling, and offensive misuse of 'gay'.

by **jmorgan3** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:52 pm UTC

Alpha Omicron wrote:
Givenup wrote:Best one so far. The Agg science teacher got mad at a buddy of mine for wearing a hat in school and not wearing his ID near the end of the day (vexatious rules at a new highschool). My friend gets up out of his seat grabs his books and says "Peace out girl scout." He was written up and the teacher put in the note that he got called a girl scout... my friend got a warning.

Fix'd for grammar, spelling, and offensive misuse of 'gay'.

FIx'd for offensive connotations about the differently abled.

by **Alpha Omicron** » Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:10 pm UTC

jmorgan3 wrote:
Alpha Omicron wrote:
Givenup wrote:Best one so far. The Agg science teacher got mad at a buddy of mine for wearing a hat in school and not wearing his ID near the end of the day (vexatious rules at a new highschool). My friend gets up out of his seat grabs his books and says "Peace out girl scout." He was written up and the teacher put in the note that he got called a girl scout... my friend got a warning.

Fix'd for grammar, spelling, and offensive misuse of 'gay'.

FIx'd for offensive connotations about the differently abled.

Given that I've never head 'lame' used to refer to differently-abled people in the context of everyday speech, I'll stand by my correction. Obviously, a whole slew of other words would have worked as well.

by **Goatmancer** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:24 am UTC

I've heard some pretty weird quotes from all over my school.

Me: My hands are cold...
Friend 1: I guess we'll just have to kill <Friend 2>
(My friend's solution to all the world's problems is to kill that same friend. We always manage to find logical, if a bit improbable proof that it will work)

(After a teacher squirts a student with a squirt bottle for 'being annoying')
Classmate: You know, there are thirsty African children in Mexico that need water, and you're just wasting it!

(After one of many discussions between me and her on how to solve a problem in pre-calculus)
Classmate: One of these days, I'm going to stab you in the kneecaps.

(Overhearing a conversation about time travel)
Student A: You know, I wish I had a time machine...
Student B: I have a time machine for you. In my pants.
(This was about a year and a half before Idiocracy came out)

by **nsmjohn** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:25 pm UTC

jmorgan3 wrote:
Alpha Omicron wrote:
Givenup wrote:Best one so far. The Agg science teacher got mad at a buddy of mine for wearing a hat in school and not wearing his ID near the end of the day (sucky rules at a new highschool). My friend gets up out of his seat grabs his books and says "Peace out girl scout." He was written up and the teacher put in the note that he got called a girl scout... my friend got a warning.

Fix'd for grammar, spelling, and offensive misuse of 'gay'.

FIx'd for offensive connotations about the differently abled.

Fix'd for the grammatically impaired.

by **Rinkatze** » Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:11 pm UTC

Got a couple quotes, although i wouldn't exactly call them awesome. comical is probably closer to the mark.

This was from Western Civilizatons. The student in question was playing video games on his laptop, trying to look like he was taking notes. He would occasionally comment on or question something the teacher said to make it seem like he was paying attention. That's where this gem came from:

Teacher: blah blah blah... and on august 20 1940 Trotsky was assassinated when Ramon mercader hit him with an ice axe.
Student: wait, what?
Teacher: i said that trotsky was assassinated with an ice axe.
Student: Oh damn, that's so smart!
Teacher: huh?
Student: That way, the evidence would melt!

this was followed by about 5 seconds of silence and then 5 minutes of laughter as people tried to explain to him what an ice axe was.

this was from World History class. it's the same student but 1 year later.

Teacher: OK, who can tell me who dropped the atomic bomb?
Student: pfft, that's such an easy question. i mean, who doesn't know that?
Teacher: alright then, i guess you can answer it for us.
Student: well, obviously it was Japan
Class goes dead silent, probably from shock.
Student: (notices the expression on teacher's/student's faces) what? oh, dammit wait, i meant china.
cue about 5 minutes of laughter

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