xkcd

by **cjmcjmcjmcjm** » Fri Feb 18, 2011 8:41 pm UTC

My British profs say all kinds of funny stuff. When they review travel itineraries for class trips, it is customary to make fun of the person who made the powerpoint. Or Dr. Green reading medieval documents of the horrors of war and commenting "This is great stuff!"

by **Whelan** » Fri Feb 18, 2011 8:46 pm UTC

My chemistry teacher yesterday for no apparent reason whispered in a reverential tone "Science". She claims that she was in fact noting a very rare 'Silence' but I for one won't believe a word of it.

by **jawdisorder** » Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:53 pm UTC

After someone asked if they could use a note sheet on the upcoming exam my professor told them if they really wanted to they can but he'll make the exam a hell of a lot harder.

by **ExplodingHat** » Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:32 am UTC

After I wrote up what could sufficiently pass for most of next week's programming assignment in a couple minutes after class: "Nice, but I'm going to expect more on the actual submission; I want you to struggle for five or six hours.

"
Now I have to get fancy about it.

by **TheChewanater** » Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:36 am UTC

One history class, this paraphrased conversation occurred.

Max: They should put the baby monitors built-into the cribs, so babies don't choke on the chords.
Ms. B: You should patent that idea.

[snip]

Gabe: Hey, maybe they could $(some other lame idea I don't remember).
Max: Yeah, that's a good idea.
Gabe: We should go into business together. We'll call it "Gabe's Babes".
Ms. B: Is that an illegal pornography site?

This happened at a band rehearsal on Valentine's day. The director, Mr. C (whose wife is also a teacher here, and her first name is Julia), was planning a "Band Day" with the middle school band teacher, Mrs. B.

Mr. C: [begins texting], I can't tell what she's saying with this texting-language.
Dan: Who are you texting?
Mr. C: Mrs. B. We're organizing Band Day.
Dan: You're texting Mrs. B? I'm telling Julia!
Mr. C: What did you call her!?

by **charolastra** » Sun Feb 20, 2011 2:13 pm UTC

I had this one awful professor who was a fountain of hilarious commentary. He might not have been able to lecture using sentence structure, transitions, or facts but he had some true life lessons to pass on. I had to take two classes with him- a seminar on politics and the novel (or, as he called it, great author's second best books) and a seminar on policy implementation.

"When you leave my classroom, I want you to only remember 3 things: 1. Always use a condom. 2. Always wear a seatbelt. 3. Never get in a moving vehicle with a Kennedy."

"I have two words for motorcyclists: organ donors."

by **Kurushimi** » Tue Feb 22, 2011 5:56 pm UTC

My latin teacher told us of few funny translations he got over the years. My favorite was
Sic transit gloria mundi. = "Thus, passes the glory of the world." The phrase was used as part of the papal coronation up until 1963.

The translation my teacher got:
Gloria got sick on the metro on monday.

by **QED** » Sun Feb 27, 2011 3:08 am UTC

My Art/ToK teacher is smart... and pretty weird. The following aren't exactly quotes... more like stories (I'm kinda going into a tangent, I know):

Spoiler:

by **Hale** » Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:37 pm UTC

My AP History teacher has always been awesome, but today he started the lesson quoting Portal.

Fantastic. You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism.

You will be baked, and then there will be cake.

The cake is a lie.

I do not cake about this story.

by **The Scyphozoa** » Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:50 am UTC

Hale wrote:My AP History teacher has always been awesome, but today he started the lesson quoting Portal.

Fantastic. You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism.

You will be baked, and then there will be cake.

The cake is a lie.

I do not cake about this story.

He really shouldn't have said that last one. That killed everything.

by **Havekk** » Fri Mar 04, 2011 1:55 am UTC

My math professor last semester trying to take up the final few minutes of lecture...

I went to St Louis last weekend, they have this giant arch. It's kind of like a McDonald's arch except one of them fell down... So... how about that Godfather movie?

(He had mentioned The Godfather earlier in the lecture so that's actually not totally random)

And my (different) math professor this semester:

Telling everyone they need to read the book and not just show up to lecture and watch him do problems

"Mathematics is not a spectator sport!"

Also after someone sneezed really loud in the middle of (a very large) lecture:

Bless you! I think that registered on the richter scale...

by **hintss** » Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:54 am UTC

in PE:

person climbs on top of lockers
teacher tells him to come down
he says hes scared of heights
teacher pulls bolt cutters out of filing cabinet

by **pianoelias** » Sat Mar 12, 2011 3:14 pm UTC

My AP Calc teacher, dicussing real world applications for the different types of RAMs (the three used were RRAM, LRAM, and TRAM):

You have to decide which RAM is the best for your situation. TRAM is the most accurate, true, but if you're making an airport runway, for example, you probably want to overestimate the distance instead of crash the plane by being a few inches off. Unless you're an engineer, in which case you rejoice because you were only a few inches off.

by **jmcc** » Sun Mar 13, 2011 5:48 am UTC

My AP World teacher has an interesting sense of humor...

"Think of the Romans. They drank wine. They drank wine and killed people."

"Confucius had no logo. That's why no one listened to him until he died. Like if he had a 'swoosh'..."

"Walk around the Middle East and you'll bump into a city. Walk around Northwestern Europe and you'll bump into a tree...and then someone praying to it."

"Shut up. It's not so hard being part of the educated middle class. Like you could be working in a factory right now with one arm and no one would give a damn."

by **Durin** » Mon Mar 14, 2011 6:35 pm UTC

"If you've had Linear Algebra, you'll probably recognize this and think it's awesome. Because it is."
"If you yell at someone on the street, HEY NAME A MATHEMATICAL FUNCTION. It probably won't be periodic."

I love my Differential Equations professor.

by **Monika** » Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:52 pm UTC

Durin wrote:"If you yell at someone on the street, HEY NAME A MATHEMATICAL FUNCTION. It probably won't be periodic."

I would totally say sine.

©joshz

by **emu8408** » Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:55 pm UTC

I have this really weird science teacher and a few weeks ago he was talking to us about online grooming and sexual predators.So while he was saying how dangerous facebook could be he said "now just imagine i'm a 80 year old pervert" it was the most i've ever laughed

by **c0smic** » Fri Mar 18, 2011 11:24 pm UTC

My current Math teacher has created his own geometric shape family tree, which actually makes logical sense. It goes something Sister Rectangle (because of the right angles and women always being right). Uncle Kite (because he's just awkward). Then you have your Square babies... and the tree goes on in this fashion. This isn't really a quote but I think it's still worth sharing.

by **Monika** » Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:11 am UTC

Can you draw it?

by **c0smic** » Sun Mar 20, 2011 12:48 am UTC

Monika wrote:Can you draw it?

I can try, but I'll have to wait till I can scan it on Monday. It will be beautiful.

by **Von Haus** » Sun Mar 20, 2011 3:28 pm UTC

A selection from my fluids lecturer last year:
"You're just like me, you haven't got any friends!"

"As a civil engineer you can save more lives in one project than a doctor could ever hope to in his whole career."

"So here we have a mass under water subjected to a buoyant force - lets imagine its a dead human body."

"So we've got three 20 stone adults running into 70,000 six year old kids and they're flying everywhere."

"They're all excited because they've got party bags and they're covered in paint."

"Always keep your seatbelt on in the aeroplane.. once we hit an air pocket and dropped 500m, the hostess & trolley hit the roof and we had to stop in Calcutta and take the 150 injured off."

"If you ask me, Michael Schumacher was a really good driver. He worked with the engineers and had a deep understanding of mathematics... Jensen Button is a mediocre driver with a good diffuser engineer."

"We use this because politicians dont have a clue about anything really."

This man is a: BSc(Eng) MSCE PhD DSc(Eng) DEng DIC FREng FCGI CEng CEnv FICE FCIWEM FASCE FRSA. I'm surpised there are any letters left for everyone else.

by **Arabascan** » Sun Mar 20, 2011 10:23 pm UTC

Von Haus wrote:BSc(Eng) MSCE PhD DSc(Eng) DEng DIC FREng FCGI CEng CEnv FICE FCIWEM FASCE FRSA. I'm surpised there are any letters left for everyone else.

I know at least three.

WTF...

by **pizzazz** » Mon Mar 21, 2011 3:06 pm UTC

From my high school physics teacher, whow taught at West Point before he taught high school.

"Rape the algebra!"

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do. But I had broken seven bones by the time I got out of high school, so take that as you will."

"Once in your life, you should wake up on a beach with no idea how you got there."

"I am probably the only teacher you will ever have who was once in charge of seven nuclear weapons."

[Explaining the menomic the cadets at WP used to remember V=IR) "Twinkle twinkle little star, V is equal to IR"

There's probably more I'm forgetting.

by **Von Haus** » Mon Mar 21, 2011 6:32 pm UTC

pizzazz wrote:Explaining the menomic the cadets at WP used to remember V=IR) "Twinkle twinkle little star, V is equal to IR"

In secondary school our science teacher just told a joke involving a virgin and gin. I forgot the proper wording fairly quickly but it was enough to get VIR easy to remember.

by **pizzazz** » Mon Mar 21, 2011 8:40 pm UTC

Oh, just remembered some from a lecture in the fall:

[Picture of John McCain on slide] "Now, how could we tell if John is good at sexing chicks?"

"Let's consider the word 'fuck'"

"Today's lecture is on memes"

"And here's the third sound" *clicks on icon* *Rickroll plays*

by **B.Good** » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:01 am UTC

Von Haus wrote:This man is a: BSc(Eng) MSCE PhD DSc(Eng) DEng DIC FREng FCGI CEng CEnv FICE FCIWEM FASCE FRSA. I'm surpised there are any letters left for everyone else.

One more time in English, please.

by **Sosekopp** » Tue Mar 22, 2011 10:35 pm UTC

My science teacher was asked if he believed in God.
His answer:Me, I believe in the god of SCIENCE!

by **Erl Kaarik** » Thu Mar 24, 2011 5:23 am UTC

Jüri Vene:
A mole of iron is about this much *middle finger*.

Heino Noortoots:
This happened in '68, I was the manager at a factory, and there was a good old man there, about to retire. But he showed up on the last day, to show the youngsters how to do things and long story short, his finger got stuck in a machine and was ripped straight off! But it's all good and well, 'cause now he gets a lot of pension.
So it took three of you to bring the classbook? What? You were afraid the gypsy would stick you in a bag, kidnap you?
I'm happy there are no drawers in these desks. Otherwise you might stick some dead rats there and start trading them!

Reet Volmer:
I heard there was compensation for teaching children with special needs. I have not recieved such compensation.

by **Sosekopp** » Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:37 pm UTC

Physics/chemistry replacement teacher to my class:
Why do you all look so dull and distant? I bet you're all spending recess outside smoking pot!

by **muskr@** » Thu Mar 24, 2011 5:36 pm UTC

From my last year's teacher:
On the school ski trip:
Teacher(who was on room patrol): Where are your pants?
Student:I don't know.
Teacher: Have you checked (student's girlfriend's) mouth?

During short story assignment:
Student: Do curls bounce?
Teacher(in suggestive tone)(whose wife has curly hair) Trust me, curls bounce.

by **zmatt** » Fri Mar 25, 2011 5:00 pm UTC

Walking in to my History lecture after missing the last class on account of being sideswiped by an asshole while riding my bike;

Friend: "Dude are you ok?"
Me: "Yeah a little banged up"
Professor: "Woah, you got hit by a car?"
Me: "Yeah asshole cut me off and merged through the bike lane."
Professor: "Holy Shit that's awesome!"

by **Midnight** » Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:02 pm UTC

In my history class, a group was lecturing on the Mexican drug war, and Mr. Kaiper gave a couple of gems:
"Yeah, I'm sure Midnight knows all about the Mexican drug trade."

[upon watching a video of a gang cutting a dude's head off]
"It's taking so long cause the blade's made in America."

"Look, I read some of your questions, and I gotta say: Give me a fucking break. How stupid are you guys?"

by **masher** » Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:32 pm UTC

B.Good wrote:
Von Haus wrote:This man is a: BSc(Eng) MSCE PhD DSc(Eng) DEng DIC FREng FCGI CEng CEnv FICE FCIWEM FASCE FRSA. I'm surpised there are any letters left for everyone else.

One more time in English, please.

I'll have a go:

Bachelor of Science (Engineering) (How does this work? This is (in Australia) a BEng...)
Master of Science in Civil Engineering
Doctor of Philosophy
Doctor of Science (Engineering)
Doctor of Engineering
Diploma of Imperial College
Fellow of The Royal Academy of Engineering
Fellow of the City and Guilds of London Institute
Chartered Engineer
Chartered Environmentalist
Fellow of the Institution of Civil Engineers
Fellow of the Chartered Institution of Water and Environmental Management
Fellow of the American Society of Civil Engineers
Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts

I find it quite hard to believe that one person is all this...

by **maxh** » Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:42 am UTC

masher wrote:
B.Good wrote:
Von Haus wrote:This man is a: BSc(Eng) MSCE PhD DSc(Eng) DEng DIC FREng FCGI CEng CEnv FICE FCIWEM FASCE FRSA. I'm surpised there are any letters left for everyone else.

One more time in English, please.

I'll have a go:

Bachelor of Science (Engineering) (How does this work? This is (in Australia) a BEng...)
Master of Science in Civil Engineering
Doctor of Philosophy
Doctor of Science (Engineering)
Doctor of Engineering
Diploma of Imperial College
Fellow of The Royal Academy of Engineering
Fellow of the City and Guilds of London Institute
Chartered Engineer
Chartered Environmentalist
Fellow of the Institution of Civil Engineers
Fellow of the Chartered Institution of Water and Environmental Management
Fellow of the American Society of Civil Engineers
Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts

I find it quite hard to believe that one person is all this...

Some (many) of those could be honourary, and getting having more than one non-honourary doctorate isn't impossible, particularly in one's later years.

by **Von Haus** » Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:04 pm UTC

masher wrote:I find it quite hard to believe that one person is all this...

I give you Professor Roger A Falconer.

by **TepidCoder** » Mon Apr 04, 2011 11:45 pm UTC

I still love what my Lit teacher when she said too me "You're presentation was horrible but your speaking made up for it"
That was the day I knew I was destined to be a public speaker

by **Midnight** » Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:01 am UTC

Today, during rehearsal of "Some Skunk Funk" one of the teachers said "look, this is really really precise stuff, you have to be really on-point and staccato for this. So don't fu--screw up. HAH! I caught myself!"

I didn't really laugh at the time, but the best part was when he later said "This is anal jazz"
A student said "Yeah, I'll work on memorizing the licks right..." to which Professor Z. said "no, not anal like precision. This is anal jazz cause there's no lubrication or anything."

The irony of that, in tandem with thinking "fuck" is too dirty a word, had me rolling with laughter.

by **TheGrammarBolshevik** » Wed Apr 13, 2011 2:17 am UTC

Today, on the subject of Oedipus, Kierkegaard, and moral universals, one of my English professors said something like "Well, I don't think we've found a culture that's ok with patricide or motherfucking… or incest, I guess that's the word for it." I wish I had thought to record some more of his turns of phrase, because he really is very funny ("the phenomenology of the spurt" comes to mind, from De rerum natura IV.1037–1057ish if anyone has a copy to know what I'm talking about).

by **masher** » Wed Apr 13, 2011 2:33 am UTC

Von Haus wrote:
masher wrote:I find it quite hard to believe that one person is all this...

I give you Professor Roger A Falconer.

Fair call.

The best I can do is Prof. John de Laeter AO PhD DSc BSc(Hons), BEd(Hons) HonDTech(Curtin) HonDLitt WAust FTSE FAIP

by **pizzazz** » Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:12 am UTC

My British Biology professor today, as he showed us the picture of a rather ugly-looking naked monkey of some kind sitting on the ground (slightly paraphrased):
"I know what this feels like, naked and drunk on the street."

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