Awesome Teacher Quotes

[Charlie!]

I'm surprised there's not a (easily searchable) thread on this, since awesome teacher quotes seem to pop up a lot here. Anyhow, I think it's pretty clear what this is about, so I shall lead off with a funny story that happened today.

In my choir class, we have to sing a very silly piece about finding your first love and her father saying he'll leave you his farm, complete with chickens (which are apparently key). Then in the last bit of the song you're all settled down on your stepfather's farm and you've kind of turned into him. Today, the grad student in charge of conducting us for this piece wanted us to make the tone a bit more serious. So he asks us a question: "So, guys, what is this song really about?" We answer a bit- "chickens?" "love?" "inheriting your father's farm?" "inheriting your father's chickens?" And then the professor, who just walked in and nobody noticed, yells, to the front of the auditorium "GETTING SET FOR LIFE, BABY!"

[Scheherazade]

Oh teacher quotes, how I love thee. My friends and I survived high school by writing down and comparing the strange things our teachers said.

During a discussion of Buddhism in my AP World History class, our teacher piped up with "All monks are flammable if you use enough gasoline."

[Laura]

Ittai Gradel, a Danish Classicist working at the University of Reading:

"Lectures are shit."

"Augustus himself would have liked my handout, I think."

"Real heroes don't give a damn. They run out there completely bare-arsed and strangle monsters."

Hans van Wees, a lecturer at University College London:

"When it comes to wife-beating, the Taleban have nothing on the Romans!"

"They left the babies by the road. Oh wait, they didn't have roads. They left them in bushes."

“He wasn’t a Christian when he killed them; he became a Christian immediately afterwards!”
(on the Emperor Constantine)

[cypherspace]

My history teacher in high school;

That's the worst idea since Mr. Schicklegruber said to Mrs. Schicklegruber "Let's go upstairs, Brumhilda, I'm feeling saucy."

Why is there an Essex, a Wessex, a Middlesex and a Sussex, but no No'sex? Because where there's no sex, there's no people.

[Semidi]

My Biology Prof this semester Dr. Linden.

"You know, it's fine if you believe in Young Earth Creationism, but most thinking people believe in evolution."

[Pirate.Bondage]

My guitar teacher said "flaming piles of crap!" and it made my day.

[Zetlinfiend]

My favorite teacher quote is from one of my english teachers:

*beeep* "Please pardon the interruption..."
Teacher: "NO! I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO PARDON YOUR INTERRUPTION!"

It was almost as good as another time in his class
*beeep* Mr. D---(I forget), ...
Mr. D: "HES NOT HERE RIGHT NOW!!"
Announcement Lady "Could you..."
Mr. D : "HES NOT HERE! HE'LL BE BACK LATER!!"

He always grumbled about the announcement lady

[Mr. Beck]

All from my 7+8th grade science teacher.

Assignment: Design a radiation shelter for Bill Gates (infinite budget).
Friend: "Oh, and the toilet seat is made of sodium." (He meant something like "lead"?)
Teacher (dryly): "I hope Bill has good aim."

Teacher: "I don't have many rules for this class- the first one is that you shouldn't physically attack each other. Unless you're at least 50 meters away from me. "

Teacher (giving a safety briefing for helium lasers): "These are not your little laser pointers. Now, if the beam glances your eye you should blink fast enough to prevent any damage. Try to stare into the beam if you want, but don't hold me responsible if you feel like someone is poking flaming arrows in your eye."

In retrospect, he was very cool in the amount of dangerous stuff he let us do in class.

[Ninjew]

My favorite teacher quote is something that my Sax professor uses to describe the correct Saxophone Embouchure.

"It's like a meat doughnut, but I guess you could also say... cat's butt"

or something along those lines. We've also got so many great ones from Woodwind Methods, but I can't remember any of them.

[Sir_Elderberry]

After--with a little embarrassment--explaining that the book my friend and I were discussing so animatedly was in fact the Player's Handbook for 4th Edition D&D, my teacher just sighed (this is a physics/math teacher at a school for math/science students. He's used to nerds.) and later we asked him for help, prompting him to declare "I don't know anything about Dungeons & Dragons, sorry." and forcing us to clarify that we wanted physics help.

[Babam]

I have the most annoying english teacher (luckily we have a student teacher right now)
Once she said this to one of those white boi playas when he was being disruptive: "Be cool [name], dont be a educata hata"
I laughed my ass off at this.

[Poochy]

From some of my past teachers:

History teacher: "It was a war, and the French were in it, so you can probably guess the outcome just knowing that much."

Math teacher, on the difference between the permutation and combination functions: "For example, if you wanted to determine the number of different ways you could combine things in a salad, you'd use the combination function. Unless you're really finicky. 'No, put the tomatoes ON TOP of the lettuce!' "

Band director/teacher: "If I had a pair of cymbals like that, the only thing I'd use them for is to make stir-fry in them. I think they were given to us out of desperation to get them out of a store somewhere."

And one from a Spanish video, on the difference between "usted" ("you", singular formal) and "ustedes" ("you", plural): "To address multiple people, you use 'ustedes'. For example, if you wanted to tell a crowd, "You all stink!", you'd say "¡Ustedes apestan!" Of course, the crowd would probably throw stuff at you, but that's beside the point."

[circasirvibing]

From my Calculus I teacher last semester, who has a very thick Polish accent and a very comical way about himself:

"If you do not know the quadratic formula by now I will hunt you down."

[kellsbells]

My AP Physics teacher, at the end of every proof/derivation/hard problem: "...And physics triumphs once again."

We have all taken to writing PTOA at the end of proofs instead of QED.

[The Ethos]

"Giving a person a neuroleptic is the equivalent of slapping a speaking person in the face, punching them hard in the stomach, and telling them to SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Essentially, you just sit there, waiting for the pain to stop, but it never does.

....Creepy Pharm Doctor.....

[Eschatokyrios]

In the middle of a lecture on acids and bases, my Honors Chemistry teacher sophomore year abruptly started talking about how he noticed some people freebasing cocaine, from the smell apparantly. He then went on to talk about the chemical nature of the smell, how it allowed him to know that freebasing of cocaine was what was going on, and eventually started explaining the basic process of freebasing, drawing diagrams on the board, and ending with the exclamation "Any chemist could do it". Then he returned to the lecture.

He was an odd dude.

[The Ethos]

Professor Quinn? How did my orgo professor get into your Honors Chem?
Freebasing cocaine is something that I feel most orgo profs love to go over, as it makes them look mildly cool.

Anhydrous Ammonia though, the catpee smell gives it away every time....

[existential_elevator]

A supply teacher, back in secondary school, once called the class troublemaker an "inconsequential spunk bubble". EPIC respect for that.

[apricity]

-In Italian once there was a girl who had a cold, but didn't know the word for it. She said "I have" in Italian, then pointed to her nose. The professor said, "Cocaina?!"

-On the first day of class, my Human Genetics professor said, "I have a very important question to ask before we start... do we have the Olsen twins in this class?" (I go to NYU, where they also supposedly go.)

[Beleg-Aran]

Aight, First off, my business teacher always starts a more complicated topic with "It's time to get knee deep in the hoopla!" To this day, I doubt anyone knows what that means.

My history teacher refuses to sign any papers for field trips or whatever, and hints that you have to forge it. He explained this by saying, "Look, if you kill someone, smoke crack, or incite rebellion while you're away, I'll just say that the maniac forged it."

Also, despite this being more of a story, I say that my chemistry teacher was wearing the one ring and had been doing so for the first half of the year. I later learned that he is a dungeon master in his D&D group. On an off day, he showed us a 1995 documentary on why the earth is flat, to teach us that just because things are convincingly argued with great gusto, doesn't mean it's true.

[Charlie!]

"Giving a person a neuroleptic is the equivalent of slapping a speaking person in the face, punching them hard in the stomach, and telling them to SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Essentially, you just sit there, waiting for the pain to stop, but it never does.

....Creepy Pharm Doctor.....

Wow... If he was into alternative pharmacology, would he be a sociopath homeopath?


Okay, new one: back in high school, my calculus teacher used the adjective "kinky" to describe anything complicated. As in "This is a pretty kinky proof" or "Charlie asked a very kinky question just now." Eep.

Meanwhile there was a nigh-unto Bruce Schneier level of glorification of my physics teacher, who threatened students with a baseball bat. He once said that "I got a carbon fiber baseball bat yesterday- this baby can hit sleeping students at least 50% harder, I figure... wanna test it out on eric?"

[nsmjohn]

From one of my roommate's teachers, in response to a girl telling him that he wasn't her dad:

Maybe if I was your father you would be a better person than you are today.

[Troz]

From a com tech teacher in high school to a girl in the class (while throwing a binder across the room):

Why can't you be normal?!?

From my high school biology teacher:

You can make a gazillion dollars doing science, but you can make a bajillion dollars writing about it.

I still don't know which of those two numbers is higher.

[ascendingPig]

I have some pretty awesome teachers, I must say.

Classics:
"Feel lucky. In a Roman school, right now you'd be learning Reading, Writing, 'Rithmetic, and Beatings."

Chemistry:
"When I was teaching at an inner-city school in the Bronx, nobody stole my laptops! Nobody crapped on the staircase! No, that's what I ame to suburbia for!"

Physics:
Not sure if it counts, but one time when nobody answered a question about the change in potential energy in an object in free-fall, she picked up a tissue box, screamed, "900 Joules of potential energy!" then dropped it and yelled "0 Joules!" Then she threw it at a kid's head. Then she picked up a whole bag of little bottles of hand lotion and began throwing them across the room, where they broke upon hitting the floor and hand lotion spurted all over the place.

I learned a lot in that class.

[existential_elevator]

On a similar note to your Physics teacher, my A Level Chemistry teacher one turned on one of the gas taps full blast and lit it, without warning anyone. This was the same man who used to tell us how to make bombs, and which chemical mixtures are best for disposing of bodies.

[BobMacDhonnchaidh]

Pupil (to teacher at my school): You're a fat bastard
Teacher: Shut it, I've met your parents!

[Ruaridh]

Well, my first year woodwork teacher came into the class one day, shouted "I've broken all your spatulas, because I knew no-one would admit themselves!" Then stormed out of the room again. We never saw him again...
Shame really, he was quite fun. Kept saying things like "Volkswagen" when people asked him questions he didn't have answers too. Alas, those days are gone!

[Bluriest]

I had a pregnant Pre-Cal teacher once, we had almost 40 people in our class because one of the teachers quit in the middle of the year, it was comprised of mostly Juniors and Seniors. She never really went crazy hormonal on us, but one time after running our mid-terms through the scantron to grade them, without even getting up from her desk in the back of the room, she said...

"Once upon a time... you all failed the test five minutes ago... the end"

[taptap]

Mr. Curts, my AP Chem teacher told us at the end of the year that if the grade average was higher than a b-, he would get up on the teacher's labtable and do "the safety dance"

He fucking did, in all of it's glory. Threw every paper down with a brilliant swoosh of his arm, and got up and did the dance. I should probably mention that he is a 300 pound, balding red-headed irish guy, and that was defenitly the best thing ever in my high school career.

Also, his best quote: "Okay, if you want me to read aloud your grade, I want you to call me the dirtiest, nastiest thing you can. Swears encouraged!"

Mine was "Hey, Curts! Tell me my grade you rotting puddle of afterbirth left over from a pregnant lesbian fingerfuck!!"

I got an A.

[fallenstar]

After reading all of these, mine isn't so funny, but...

Whenever somebody says "Oh my god" or something to that effect in his presence, my AP Chem teacher (the most amazing man in the world) replies "You called?"

Also, once we were doing a lab looking at atomic spectra, so the classroom was dark. A student walked in and asked for the teacher and he yelled "He's not here right now!" The kid left.

[Yakk]

Bulk:
http://www.mathnews.uwaterloo.ca/Issues ... quotes.php

"My life has been full of useless knowledge." (Graham, CS 180)

"Theorem, proof, theorem, proof, it will kill you." (Wainwright, MATH 140A)

"You either have to be alive or dead -- we don't accept engineers." (Reynolds, MTHEL 305)

"Who's the bastard that's been quoting me in mathNEWS?" (Cleaver, BIO 113)

"Let's pause and reflect on what the hell is going on here." (Baker, MATH 230A)

"I take the Christian attitude towards exams: it is more blessed to give than receive." (Hentzell, MATH 130A)

"We now have to write it in proper mathematical language so no one can understand it." (Read, C&O 230)

"This is on a transparency, so it should be perfectly clear." (Wood, CS 360)

"Do with me what you will. Be gentle." (Burkowski, CS 454)

"I noticed I was quoted in your mathematics newspaper. If the person who submitted that would step forward, I will give you your 'F' right now." (McCutcheon, BUS 121)

"What university is this now?" (Panjer, ACTSC 433)

"And then I discovered the World Wide Web, and I said, 'Hey, this is neat. Look at all the pornography on it!'" (Moskal, PMATH 330)

"Why don't we pretend that we're stupid. Pretend we're from Western. [Shortly after] Okay, let's pretend we're not SO stupid. Pretend we're...honours students from Western." (Willard, MATH 135)

"MAPLE is very easy to use. You type 'MAPLE', and press enter. Then you type 'HELP'." (Stewart, MATH 145)

[Looking at result on board] "Aw, shit!" [looking around] "Shhh...you didn't hear that. Don't you dare put that in profQUOTES or I will give you all zero without compunction." (Marshman, AM 251)

"I'm getting it! I'm getting it! Ha, ha. I've proved the wrong thing!" (Davis, MATH 234A)

"I was advised that I could get into trouble if I photocopy these and give them to you, so my way around this is to put them in the library and let you photocopy them and get into trouble." (Hewitt, MATH 138)

"My drugs weren't as strong as yours." (Hare, CS 372)

"pi / 2 is equal to 5.3, uh, for large values of pi." (Tempa, CS 340)

"You guys are too wimpy to turn stuff into mathNEWS." (Cormack, CS 442)

"0 x 0 = 0, except on the STAT 230 midterm, where it could be any number of things, according to you guys." (Bennett, STAT 230)

"Welcome to 'Bullshit 211'." (Conrath, M SCI 211)

"Instead of answering your question, I'll say something else." (Lawson, MATH 235)

"The only thing we know with certainty right now is that everything I've said in the last 5 minutes is wrong." (Scott, ECON 402)

"There are three series you should know or you'll fail the course: geometric; harmonic; and there's probably one more.... I fail." (Hewitt, MATH 138)

"Complex variables are fun until someone loses an i." (Mann, PHYS 365)

"Is anyone here hungover? What, just me?" (Irving, C&O 230)

"I should have been a truck driver ... I always wanted to be a truck driver." (McKiernan, AM 362)

"I feel like Liz Taylor's last husband. I know what to do but I don't know how to make it interesting." (Wentzell, MATH 130B)

"My wife conjectures that if I died, my students wouldn't notice the difference." (Davis, MATH 234A)

"When I talk about withdrawal times, I'm not talking about birth control." (Panjer, ACTSC 433)

"Algebra is just like granola bars. They're both full of fruits, nuts, and flakes." (McGee, MATH 138)

"You know it's a work of art because when you first look at it, you say 'What's that?'" (Dickey, PMATH 360)

"Without really knowing what you're talking about, the answer is 'yes'." (Simpson, CS 246)

"Does everyone believe this? Good! Proof by democracy." (Best, C&O 367)

"I don't know why nothing I say appears in mathNEWS." (Shallit, CS 462/662)

[jera]

My debate teacher is only 26, She is realy the drama/speach teacher, but my school is to cheap to get a real debate teacher, so they stuck her with the job.

Subject of the days debate: Biggest threat to Mankind

Me: The biggest threat to the man kind is rocks,
Etter: Jeramy dont start that paranoid delusional sh*t today, i'm stoned off my ass right now.

[Mr. Beck]

Math Teacher (paraphrased, but his style).

Trigonometry...it's like incest. You have all these funky terms that are all related. What's sine? Cosine minus pi halves. See?...Cousins! Anyway, you take these cousins and you breed them together. Funky stuff comes out: Cotan is, like, pretty funky, but as you've seen things can get really ugly fast. Inbreeding does that. The goal is that you end up with something nice, and if you breed them just right maybe you will. Maybe!!

[Master Gunner]

My biology teacher, on how much we had to cover that class:

Today we're going to have an orgy...

[Æshættr]

My geometry (and later, statistics) teacher said this to noone in particular as he was erasing something from the overhead projector via the spit-and-fingers method:

The red ink tastes the best.

[Peregrin]

Since an orchestra conductor is technically a form of teacher, here goes:

The violins were complaining about a page turn, so our conductor said with a completely straight face:
"Then use your OTHER limb."

[Quadropus]

I have a particularly odd English literature teacher who is one of the funniest people in my whole school.

He spent the whole lesson shouting out numbers. Then when a girl in my class asked why he was, he shouted one higher, then told her that it was the number of stupid comments she had made that lesson.

Another time he spent the whole lesson wandering around with a stuffed toy aardvark. What made it better was he acted completely normal about the whole thing.
(Might I add now, that this man always makes a lot of crude (but very cleverly worded) sexual remarks which most of my class do not understand.)
Though his funniest moment has got to be when we were discussing a poem which had a lot of sexual connotations to it and he just muttered:

I am after all, the King of the swingers....

Me and one other girl were in absolute fits of laughter purely because of the way he delivered such a line. Everyone else looked at us very strangely...

[Kilogolf]

ha. So, last year, in the school newspaper, there was a list of teacher quotes in the last edition, and one of them was (said by my current physics teacher) "This is almost too deep for a Thursday." (with a caption something like "when we were talking about quantum physics and string theory")

When we got to quantum this year, I kept saying "Mr. Jones, we can't cover this stuff today, it's not a thursday!"

my friend has a list of quotes said by our physics teacher this year. I'll have to ask her for it.

[Cynical Jawa]

Cantankerous, semi-retired old chemistry teacher: "<pupil>, what drove you to take Chemsitry this year?"
Pupil: "I got an A last year!"
Teacher: "You see, <pupil>, A's are like arseholes around here: everybody's got one. Now go and get me <chemical> from C5"
Pupil: "Where's that again?"
Teacher: "Leave this room, turn left and keep going"
*pupil leaves*
Teacher: "With any luck, that idiot will fall out the window. Now, stereoisomerism..."

[LavaLampMaster]

My calculus teacher is a funny guy; he's Kurdish and has a really thick accent

Mr. Ardalani: So, the power rule for differentiation is d/dx Xⁿ = nX^n-1 ... today is the 22nd anniversary of my wedding and I have not gotten my wife anything yet.
Kid in class: Someone's not getting laid tonight!
A: I know.

Me: So how about that partial credit, sir? Huh? Huh?!
Ardalani: Karl, one more comment like that and I'll have mr. Wagener to slap you silly.

- And this integral will make you want to shoot yourself.
- I did not mean that as a joke. When I talk about Duncan, it's a joke.
- I did something good to your grades, so merry Christmas. When the real Christmas comes, I expect the presents on my desk.
- you could come take some of my classes at TSTC, There's lots of hot girls there