Suggestions on my video game dialogue

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Suggestions on my video game dialogue

Postby Cosmologicon » Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:23 pm UTC

Not sure if "Your art and links" is the right place for this, sorry if it's not! I have some dialogue for this video game I'm writing, but I'm not a writer, so I'm looking for suggestions. Mostly I'm concerned with any wording that doesn't fit the period, mid-late 19th century English countryside. But any suggestions are fine.

It's pretty short - there's only seven cutscenes and four characters. Here goes:
1 Mortimer: Do you know what it's like to know your purpose in life?
1 Mortimer: To know that you were born for one thing and one thing only?
1 Mortimer: I know my purpose. My name is Mortimer, and I...
1 Mortimer: a butterfly collector.

2 Elmer: My goodness, young man! That was impressive butterfly collecting!
2 Elmer: You remind me of myself as a lad.
2 Mortimer: You were watching me? Who are you?
2 Elmer: Maj. Gen. Elmer Wrightscoptch (Ret.), at your service.
2 Elmer: I am the President of the Royal Lepidopteral Society.
2 Elmer: I need someone for an extremely important and dangerous butterfly-collecting quest.
2 Elmer: What say you?
2 Mortimer: Yes at last my dreams have come true!
2 Elmer: Brilliant! You can begin by training at our dojo. Come with me.
2 Sensei: Greetings, Mortimer. I am the master of this dojo.
2 Sensei: Let's see what you can do.

3 Sensei: Well done. Excellent form.
3 Sensei: I declare you ready for field work.
3 Elmer: I can now reveal to you the nature of this quest.
3 Elmer: We're embarking on a journey to find a map to the greatest treasure in all of lepidoptery...
3 Elmer: The Lost Butterfly Garden of Verdania!
3 Mortimer: Sounds brilliant! What is it?
3 Elmer: An enchanted realm where every type of butterfly roams freely, ripe for the collecting!
3 Elmer: It's been lost for ages, but with the map, we can revisit it!
3 Elmer: We have reason to believe that half of the map is located...
3 Elmer: in the Bucolic Meadow of Doom, a few miles from here in Northamptonford-upon-Lynshire.
3 Elmer: Your mission is to go there, and retrieve the piece of the map.
3 Elmer: And collect some butterflies while you're at it!
3 Mortimer: I won't let you down!

4 Mortimer: I'm back from the Bucolic Meadow of Doom!
4 Mortimer: I got that half of the legendary map!
4 Sensei: Mortimer, thank goodness you've returned! Terrible news!
4 Sensei: President Wrightscoptch has been kidnapped by a rival organisation...
4 Sensei: The Royal Society of Lepidopterists!
4 Mortimer: Wait... isn't that us?
4 Sensei: No you fool! We're the Royal Lepidopteral Society!
4 Sensei: There rages an ancient and bitter rivalry between us and the Royal Society of Lepidopterists.
4 Sensei: Born of a dispute over who invented the greatest advance in butterfly collecting ever.
4 Mortimer: What advance?
4 Sensei: The idea of sticking butterflies onto poster board with a pin!
4 Mortimer: That's it?
4 Sensei: That's a big deal!
4 Sensei: Before that, everyone just threw their butterflies into a desk drawer.
4 Sensei: It was a huge mess.
4 Sensei: First they claim credit for that, and now they kidnap our president!
4 Mortimer: I'm going after him! Where can I find them?
4 Sensei: Their palace is on the other side of a field you'll have to cross.
4 Mortimer: A field, you say? Might this field have any butterflies on it?
4 Sensei: Probably. But you don't have to catch the butterflies just to cross the...
4 Mortimer: I'll do it! And I'll catch a bunch of butterflies on my way!
4 Sensei: Sure, whatever.

5 Mortimer: I'm Mortimer, from the Royal Lepidopteral Society. Unhand our president!
5 Victoria: Certainly... on one condition.
5 Victoria: Give us your half of the map to the Lost Butterfly Garden of Verdania!
5 Elmer: Don't do it Mortimer! They have the other half of the map!
5 Victoria: What do you care anyway?
5 Victoria: According to legend, only the Chosen One may enter the Lost Garden.
5 Mortimer: The Chosen One?
5 Victoria: He who would unite the clans of lepidoptery,
5 Victoria: and usher in a golden age of butterfly collecting!
5 Mortimer: Oh, that Chosen One.
5 Elmer: Mortimer! Get out of here! Save yourself!
5 Mortimer: Nothing doing. I'm here to rescue you!
5 Victoria: And how do you plan to do that?
5 Mortimer: The only way I know how to do anything....
5 Mortimer: by catching butterflies!

6 Victoria: My word.... Young man, that was some fine netmanship.
6 Victoria: Perhaps we resorted to drastic measures prematurely.
6 Victoria: Very well. We will release Elmer.
6 Elmer: You know, Victoria, we needn't feud so.
6 Elmer: You have half the map, and so do we.
6 Elmer: Working together, we could at last locate the Lost Garden.
6 Victoria: An intriguing proposition.... Very well, we have a deal.
6 Victoria: Mortimer, thank you dearly for bringing us back together after so long.
6 Elmer: I think I speak for both of us when I say,
6 Elmer: Will you do us the honour of visiting the Lost Garden?
6 Mortimer: Of course I will! The honour is all mine!

7 Mortimer: What splendour! What beauty!
7 Mortimer: I could live my whole life here collecting and collecting!
7 Mortimer: What's that sound?
7 Mortimer: Why are all the butterflies flying away?!
7 Mortimer: Oh no, the cliff wall is collapsing!
7 Mortimer: I've got to get out of here!
7 Elmer: Mortimer! You've returned! What did you see in the Lost Garden?
7 Mortimer: Well.... it was nice while it lasted.
7 Elmer: . . .
7 Mortimer: I'm afraid it's under 100 feet of rock now.
7 Mortimer: It was probably all that jumping around I was doing. Terribly sorry.
7 Elmer: You... imbecile!
7 Elmer: I hereby banish you for life from the Royal Lepidopteral Society!
7 Elmer: Get out!
7 Victoria: And don't try to join the Royal Society of Lepidopterists, either.
7 Mortimer: Oh well. I was getting sick of butterflies anyway.
7 Mortimer: I think I'll take up collecting seashells. Now there's a jolly good hobby!

Thanks in advance!

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