Strangers telling women to "smile"

[Dingbats]

Someone posted this link in some thread, a list of male privileges. Number 44 reads: Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to "smile."

I was completely unaware of that phenomenon existing. Do people do that? Where? ...why? I am just as much puzzled about the absurdity of it as I am upset about how rude it is.

[Hyphe]

I suspect it runs along similar lines of "smile, it might never happen", but as grumpy men appear more threatening than grumpy women people feel more comfortable saying it.

FWIW no stranger has ever said it to me, but I have been threatened with actual physical harm due to smiling too much.

[sje46]

I never have heard of or seen strangers telling women to smile. I think it might be related to the idea that women have to always be happy, and hide their emotions. "Why is baby so glum? Smile for me, honey!"
You probably wouldn't see anyone ever tell a man to smile or be happy.

[natraj]

People say it to me all the time. I identify as male but have ovaries and am very small and generally have a hard time passing as anything other than a 12-year-old boy, but I have noticed that when I have my chest bound and have male clothes and do not look overtly feminine nobody ever says this to me, whereas when I look more feminine I get random men (occasionally women, but not very often. When it is women they are almost always elderly. I'm not sure why this is.) telling me variations on this. (Either just "Smile!" or some perhaps misguided attempt at flirtation or something along the lines of "You have such a pretty face, why aren't you smiling?" -- I'm not sure what the two things have to do with each other.)

[SecondTalon]

Short answer - in the US as per my observations which mostly range in Kentucky/Tennessee/Indiana, but do range farther down south - Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida - it is common for random strangers to say to a woman who is not smiling something akin to "Aw, c'mon and smile sweetie! It'd look much better than a frown!"

Because people are dicks and would rather look at a pretty smiling lady than, you know, find out why she's upset or even take in to consideration that her natural face arrangement isn't one that screams "SO EFFIN HAPPY!" I mean, it's not like women have emotions or exist as anything beyond eye candy for the fellas, amirite?

[The Cat]

I do that all the time. I normally try to make them laugh as well...It can really brighten someones day. Smiles are contagious.

[Jessica]

I've been told to smile before. Or, maybe it was another girl beside me who was told. Whatever, we were a group of women, and a guy walked by and said "You should smile" and then something like "you look better when you do...". It was degrading, and... yeah. I really felt like something. not someone.

[Punny McPunnerson]

No links before 5 posts

[SecondTalon]

Sure, but it's really fucking rude to tell someone how they should appear so as to please you.

[Punny McPunnerson]

Sure, but it's really fucking rude to tell someone how they should appear so as to please you.

Usually it's hoping that they will be happier knowing that someone cares whether or not they are being happy.

[The Cat]

I really felt like something. not someone.

I suppose its how they say it. I assure you that you would not feel degraded if I asked you to smile.

[TaintedDeity]

The only people who me or my immediate friends have been told to smile by were trying to insult me or were coming onto one of my friends.
The people in this thread are not talking about the occasional friendly "Smile!" (which cannot be distinguished from the creepy "Smile!" by the way)

[SecondTalon]

Sure, but it's really fucking rude to tell someone how they should appear so as to please you.

Usually it's hoping that they will be happier knowing that someone cares whether or not they are being happy.

Because, of course, you have to be SO EFFIN HAPPY 100% of the time. Dog got run over? SMILE! Just learned you have cancer at 23 and are looking forward to months of chemotherapy, sure you have a 75% chance of making it, but that means you have a 25% chance of not and are just trying to make sense of it all as you stagger home? SMILE! Got done at the dentist and have a mouth full of blood? SMILE!*


_{*So, apparently someone did that. I hope a lesson was learned all around.}

[Themis]

Someone posted this link in some thread, a list of male privileges. Number 44 reads: Complete strangers generally do not walk up to me on the street and tell me to "smile."

I was completely unaware of that phenomenon existing. Do people do that? Where? ...why? I am just as much puzzled about the absurdity of it as I am upset about how rude it is.

Heck yeah it does. It's not so annoying if I just happen to not be smiling, but when I'm in a genuinely bad mood for legitimate reasons, having some strange guy come up and tell me to smile is just obnoxious, even if it's well-intentioned. Oh well, at least they're not pinching my cheek.

[The Cat]

How about a nice pat on the ass sweet cheeks! Just a joke.

[abitha]

Yeah, I've had people say 'smile' to me, too. It's pretty universal, I think.

I think I usually do end up smiling at them, mostly out of confusion, and then (slightly too late) wishing that I'd given them an earful of withering feminist rant instead. Probably the majority of them don't mean it in a creepy way, they've just never thought through the objectifying implications.

[PictureSarah]

This has happened SO MANY TIMES to me. It does not make me happy, or particularly inclined to smile, mostly because it's nearly always said in a really skeevy manner "Smile, sugar! I've got something that can make you smile!" "Why you look so sad, honey? Pretty girl like you has nothing to be sad for." (Because clearly, the only possible reason girls have to be sad is that they're unattractive). "Why don't you smile? Doesn't your man treat you right? I would treat you right if you were my girl."

SO. MUCH. RAGE.

[The Cat]

It depends how you follow it up. If someone is genuinely pissed off, its never a good idea. If someone is a little frustrated and you say smile with a genuine look on your face, followed up by an introduction...kinda like an ice breaker.....We aren't talking "Smile you got some preety theeth" Zed, look at them teeth.

[apeman5291]

I generally don't care what mood some stranger is in. Even if it's someone I know and I'm genuinely concerned about their emotional well being, "what's wrong?" works better than "smile!"

[The Cat]

Bill! Get your Gun. The Buffalo are coming! The Buffalo are coming!

I think its a case by case deal. I can see how it would be offensive, and I've met some nice people that way....TD is right about the pick up line....

[EmptySet]

I've never seen or heard of this, either. Having some random dude come up and tell you to smile seems like it would be really creepy.

[OBrien]

I'm a man and I'm not particularly feminine (nor masculine) looking but I occasionally get strangers telling me to "cheer up". This usually happens when I'm listening to music and my general response is: "OK, so the shape of my face means that when I'm not feeling any particularly strong emotions, I look like I'm frowning and angry. Before you stopped me, I wasn't but now that you have, and have made me take my headphones off, I am pretty pissed off. You might be thinking 'It's just a couple of seconds of music, so what?' but imagine you're having a really nice meal by yourself, so you just sit there doing nothing but eating and enjoying the meal. Now imagine some random stranger comes up to you and drags the plate away from you, just to make sure they have your attention, and says 'Enjoy your meal!'. That's how I feel about music. OK? Now please leave me alone."
They usually leave with a look on their face that says 'What a weirdo. They clearly have some anger issues' but you know how everyone has their little tetchienesses? The things that will turn an otherwise calm, chilled out human being into a ball of anger and rage? Yeah, don't fuck around with my listening to music.

[Delalyra]

The Cat, normally you're pretty cool, but in this thread? You are doing it wrong.

Don't tell people to smile. Their emotions are for themselves and those they choose to share them with, not for your enjoyment or perusal. Seeing as there's a lot of women who don't appreciate being told to smile, it's kind of tactless to make jokes about it.


FWIW, I've never had this particular phenomenon happen to me, but if I'm out anywhere I'm either a) with my boyfriend, or b) not making eye contact. And I am rarely on a subway or train, or if I am, GOTO a).

[gmalivuk]

Yeah, I'm annoyed enough myself when a friend tells me I should smile without having any idea why I'm not. I really can't imagine how infuriating it would be to have it happen frequently, and from complete strangers, and with a creepy overtone vibe of "you'd be hotter if you smiled" coming from men I'm not the least bit attracted to.

If you know a person well, ask how they are instead of telling them to smile. Then you can decide whether it would be a complete asshole thing to do, to tell them they should smile.

[Belial]

and with a creepy overtone vibe of "you'd be hotter if you smiled" coming from men I'm not the least bit attracted to.

Which has the even creepier and more misogynistic undertone "I don't really care how you feel. Smile because it makes you look better, and that's all you should care about"

[gmalivuk]

Well, as I'm sure you well know, it is just like those women to let their damn emotions get in the way of doing their job, which is to look pretty. This is why we can't have a woman President.

[Lord Aurora]

Personally, if I seem someone who looks sad, and if I'm not at work, I tell them to smile. Sometimes these people are female, sometimes they are male. It has nothing to do with the attractiveness of the person, either; usually telling someone to smile and putting a smile on your own face brightens both of your days.

As a rule, I DO tell certain people "smile!" more often than others. People who work in the service industry---waiters/waitresses, bus drivers, fast food workers, cashiers, etc.---and who have, for lack of a better word, served me (checked me out at the store, worked my table...). I find that, combined with a heartfelt thank you, it can often make someone's day.

[The Cat]

The Cat, normally you're pretty cool, but in this thread? You are doing it wrong.

I don't walk around on the street telling people to smile, I have done it. I have also had women say it to me....It made me smile and I felt better. Come to think of it, thats where I got it from....Girl at a stop light honked and yelled out her window. Costa Mesa freeway off ramp....I still remember it to this day. I didn't find it weird! There are a few different ways to frame this....

[PictureSarah]

Generally when men honk out of their windows and yell at me, they get A) chastised B) flipped off or C) ignored. Except the poor bastard who actually rear ended the car in front of him because he was too busy yelling "hey baby" sort of sentiments out his window at me. I considered crashing to be punishment enough. I'm not a fan of being harassed on the street.

[The Cat]

She had a really big smile and it made my day. It would never cross my mind to do any of the things you mentioned. Smiles are contagious.

[Rat]

you motherfuckers get so offended at the littlest things...

just smile

[Zohar]

A bit off topic - I'm reminded of when I was it Barcelona, wearing my "Maybe if this shirt is witty enough someone will finally love me" shirt (which I'm also wearing now, incidentally). I was in a crossroads and a 50-60 year old man came up to me and said (English with American accent) "Thank you... for the smile"

I was really sweet.

I've never told anyone to smile, though. It reminds me a bit of people saying "First of all, relax" in arguments, which usually only serves to infuriate the other person.

[Themis]

I wouldn't say all "hey there, smile!"s are equal, for the record. If someone I know personally comes up to me and says it, it's less obnoxious and I usually have a pretty good feel for what they're trying to accomplish (for example, if they're trying to cheer me up or just strike up a conversation.) My grandmother tells me to smile and I hate it, but for an entirely different reason (my grandmothers, though I love them, tend to be passive-aggressive and don't want my non-smilingness to make them "look bad" in front of other grandmothers that I might see on the street.)

But when a stranger does it, it's like, hey, do I walk around telling you to pull up your pants and stand up straight? I think most people can tell when it's innocent flirting/ice-breaking and when it's a weird forty-something who thinks he found a naive girl.

[lanicita]

Disclaimer: I overthink everything, and this is a topic I have thought a lot about, so this is way overanalyzed. Also I am sleepy.

I get strangers telling me to smile all the time too. I don't appreciate it. A lot of non-strangers point out to me that I never stop smiling, which is true when I'm around them. I like the people I like, and they make me happy and that makes me smile. But when I have no reason to smile, I don't. I have a great smile, it's one of the few things I have always loved about myself. But it is only great when it is genuine, and I hate smiling when it's not genuine. I get it from women and men alike, and I don't think it's ever actually been a creepy demand except when I've gotten the rare "you'd be prettier if you smiled." But I don't care where it comes from, the point is whoever says it, it's unappreciated. Is there ANYONE here who can say they actually appreciate being told to smile? If I felt like smiling I would be doing it already.

[the_bandersnatch]

I got this the other day. I was waiting outside of a shop for something and I was just letting my mind wander and enjoying the sunshine, when a guy walked past and said "cheer up, it might never happen!" I think I managed to squeeze out a grimace at him but I was a little annoyed since I don't particularly enjoy strangers minding my business when I'm perfectly happy minding it myself.
This used to happen a lot more in the past, usually when I was in a neutral mood. Maybe I've just got a face that's miserable by default

Oh, and I'm a guy btw, and I've never really noticed this happen to anyone else, male or female.

[Schmut]

You probably wouldn't see anyone ever tell a man to smile or be happy.

Used to happen to me quite frequently. Now happens on occassion, because I generally am smiling nowadays anyways. Though, when it happened frequently it was strangers and now that it rarely happens, it's usually just acquaintances.

I'm with the_bandersnatch. Never seen it happen to anybody else, male or female. I see no harm in it, though. It's just a friendly form of greeting; why should one take offence?
Now, in my more gloomy times I have taken offence. But if, as with the_bandersnatch, I have been in a neutral mood the suggestion of a smile will usually bring a smile to my face. I too have a face that is miserable by default, I think. I can be quite happy and content with something when someone may ask me "what's wrong?". I guess the "at peace" facial expression isn't distinguished enough from "morose".

[Belial]

As a rule, I DO tell certain people "smile!" more often than others. People who work in the service industry---waiters/waitresses, bus drivers, fast food workers, cashiers, etc.---and who have, for lack of a better word, served me (checked me out at the store, worked my table...).

Yeah, people in service industries also get this a lot.

It is really, really fucking annoying. Good job, guy.

[eternal luna]

It is really, really fucking annoying.

All the more so because they're forced to respond favourably to avoid losing the shitty job that's made them unhappy in the first place. /projection of own experiences.

[Belial]

Exactly.

[Delalyra]

It's just a friendly form of greeting; why should one take offence?

You missed my post up above, so here it is: Their emotions are for themselves and the people they choose to share them with. Their personal, private emotions are not for your entertainment, perusal, judgement, or consumption. It is pretty condescending to tell someone to smile without knowing why they're making the face they are (or even if that's their neutral face).

Themis noted that not all "smile!"s are created equal, and I agree with this. Still, though, I would be pissed if I heard it from a stranger, and I'd be pissed if I heard it from a friend. If I look gloomy (or neutral!), a friend, being a friend, should ask why I look sad. A friend saying "Del, smile, would'ja?" is being dismissive of my emotions-- they don't actually care why I'm sad, they just want me not to be so they don't have to deal with it.

From a stranger, it would be orders of magnitude more creepy. Not friendly at all.