Bad science jokes!

For the discussion of the sciences. Physics problems, chemistry equations, biology weirdness, it all goes here.

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MHD
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby MHD » Fri Dec 02, 2011 10:57 pm UTC

Shcrödinger and Heisenberg are driving cross country.
Suddenly, a police car gives chase and as good citizens they pull over.

The officer goes up to the diver, Heisenberg and asks:
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
To which Heisenberg responds: "No, but I know exactly where I was."

The officer finds this answer mighty peculiar and decides to search the car for narcotics.
In the boot he finds a dead cat; thinking this might be a case of animal abuse he asks:
"Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
To which Schrödinger responds: "Well, I do now..."

---

Ever heard of Schrödingers cat? Of course you have.
Ever heard of Heisenbergs cat? No?

Heisenbergs cat is a though experiment in which you own a cat that is either scampering around right in front of you, scratching you floors and chasing it's own tail; all at unknown velocity...
Or it is lying perfectly silent and still, sleeping; but you can't for the life of you find it.

So it's just like a regular cat really...
EvanED wrote:be aware that when most people say "regular expression" they really mean "something that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a regular expression"

scotT_man_25
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby scotT_man_25 » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:19 am UTC

What did the relativistic physicist say to the train conductor?
Does Boston stop by this train?

--------

So an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending a science conference overnight. To save money, they all choose to rent rooms at the cheapest hotel possible.

In the middle of the night, the engineer wakes up and his bed is on fire! He runs to the shower, fills up a bucket and drenches the fire. He returns to his soggy, uncomfortable bed and barely sleeps a wink.

Later that night,the physicistwakes up and his bed is also on fire! He runs to his desk, does some quick calculations, runs to the shower, fills up a bucket about 2/3 full, and pours it on the fire. The last drop of water extinguishes the fire perfectly. He returns to his warm toasty bed and sleeps comfortably for the whole night.

Meanwhile, the mathematitian wakes up and his bed is also on fire (it is a very cheap hotel). He runs to his desk, pulls out a pad of paper, does some calculations, says "A soulution exists!", then returns to bed...

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Kang
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Kang » Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:55 pm UTC

That goes in the same vein as this old one:
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are left in a cell each with nothing but a can of spam. After a while they are being checked on. The engineer scraps a piece of stone from the wall and uses it to smash open the can. The physicist makes a few calculations, then suddenly throws the can through the room, the can opening as it bounces back and forth. The mathematician makes a few calculations, stops, makes some more calculations, then stops again and mumbles: 'assuming the can was open...'.

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wst
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby wst » Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:41 pm UTC

I went to see a metal/rock group called Hair Resistance the other week (true story).

I asked them when they were going to release their cd.
Anything I said pre-2014 that you want to quote me on, just run it past me to check I still agree with myself.

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Proginoskes
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Proginoskes » Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:29 am UTC

scotT_man_25 wrote:What did the relativistic physicist say to the train conductor?
Does Boston stop by this train?


When I rode MARTA in Atlanta in the 1990s, the announcements for the next stop were invariably "The approaching station is ..."

Um, it's not the station that's approaching, it's the train, people.

Arkham
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Arkham » Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:14 pm UTC

Proginoskes wrote:
scotT_man_25 wrote:What did the relativistic physicist say to the train conductor?
Does Boston stop by this train?


When I rode MARTA in Atlanta in the 1990s, the announcements for the next stop were invariably "The approaching station is ..."

Um, it's not the station that's approaching, it's the train, people.



Not according to einstein.

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Proginoskes
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Proginoskes » Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:55 am UTC

Arkham wrote:
Proginoskes wrote:
scotT_man_25 wrote:What did the relativistic physicist say to the train conductor?
Does Boston stop by this train?


When I rode MARTA in Atlanta in the 1990s, the announcements for the next stop were invariably "The approaching station is ..."

Um, it's not the station that's approaching, it's the train, people.


Not according to einstein.


True, but what does Shecky Einstein know about physics? He's only my barber.

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chris661
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby chris661 » Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:41 pm UTC

A few from another forum (sorted into buttons to avoid a long post)

Spoiler:
For engineers who are having difficulty converting....

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? =
1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen..
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital? = 1 IV League



Spoiler:
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again.


Spoiler:
The School of Science you Won't Believe. These are actual answers to quizzes and tests given in the U.S. and Europe. You will all appreciate #11.
1) "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
2) "H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water"
3) "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
4) "When you smell an oderless gass, it is probably carbon monoxide."
5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
6) "Thre kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
7) "The body consists of three parts -- the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the hear and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which ther are five - a,e,i,o, and u."
8) "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9) "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration and then expectoration."
10) "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
11) "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12) "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.)
13) "A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14) "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15) "The pistol of a flower is its only protection agenst insects."
16) "The skeleton is what is left after the indsides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."


That'll do for now

Chris
Marvin wrote: What a depressingly stupid machine.


GENERATION 95592191 : The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and divide the generation number by 2 if it's even, or multiply it by 3 then add 1 if it's odd. Social experiment.

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chris661
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby chris661 » Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:45 pm UTC

Someone stop me...
Spoiler:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi -
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down
on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


The engineers amongst you will empathise...
Spoiler:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have several of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.
Marvin wrote: What a depressingly stupid machine.


GENERATION 95592191 : The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and divide the generation number by 2 if it's even, or multiply it by 3 then add 1 if it's odd. Social experiment.

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Proginoskes
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Proginoskes » Tue Dec 13, 2011 6:44 am UTC

chris661 wrote:11. Law of the Theater and Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the
performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


Corollary: Whenever giving a proctoring a test in a lecture hall where the tables are over ten feet long, the students that ask the questions will always be in the middle of the tables.

***

Question: What is hard water?

Answer:
Spoiler:
Ice.

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Jorpho
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Jorpho » Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:35 pm UTC

chris661 wrote:The engineers amongst you will empathise...
Spoiler:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have several of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.
I get the shivers reading some of those. I like having all my fingers! And my eyeballs too. A good reason to stay clear of engineering.

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ekolis
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby ekolis » Wed Dec 14, 2011 6:15 am UTC

5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."


So, what proportion of water is actually water, and how much is gin? Will this require a recursive algorithm to compute? :)
Reading posts on the xkcd forum makes me feel stupid.

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AvatarIII
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Wed Dec 14, 2011 10:01 am UTC

ekolis wrote:
5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."


So, what proportion of water is actually water, and how much is gin? Will this require a recursive algorithm to compute? :)


it's both 100% water and 100% gin,

water is basically gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and

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nehpest
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby nehpest » Wed Dec 14, 2011 7:50 pm UTC

AvatarIII wrote:
ekolis wrote:
5) "Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."


So, what proportion of water is actually water, and how much is gin? Will this require a recursive algorithm to compute? :)


it's both 100% water and 100% gin,

water is basically gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and gin, and gin and gin and

Impossible. I quite like water, but find elemental gin distasteful. There must be something else in water that removes the awful gin taste. Maybe water contains a bit of tonic?
Kewangji wrote:Someone told me I need to stop being so arrogant. Like I'd care about their plebeian opinions.

blag

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AvatarIII
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Wed Dec 14, 2011 8:40 pm UTC

nehpest wrote:Impossible. I quite like water, but find elemental gin distasteful. There must be something else in water that removes the awful gin taste. Maybe water contains a bit of tonic?


No, it must be something in the gin that makes the gin taste bad, logic dictates gin on it's own must clearly taste exactly like water.

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nehpest
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby nehpest » Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:01 pm UTC

AvatarIII wrote:
nehpest wrote:Impossible. I quite like water, but find elemental gin distasteful. There must be something else in water that removes the awful gin taste. Maybe water contains a bit of tonic?


No, it must be something in the gin that makes the gin taste bad, logic dictates gin on it's own must clearly taste exactly like water.

In the interests of full disclosure, my gin experience was almost entirely in the context of martinis. Maybe I just don't like vermouth?
Kewangji wrote:Someone told me I need to stop being so arrogant. Like I'd care about their plebeian opinions.

blag

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby orangustang » Fri Dec 16, 2011 7:13 am UTC

This one's a political/math joke. As you can imagine, I've had trouble finding an audience for it.

What do you get when you cross Rick Perry with a bigot?

Spoiler:
The zero vector. Also, their dot product is the square of his length.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby eSOANEM » Fri Dec 16, 2011 1:39 pm UTC

That's a good one. Although, I think it's better without the line about their dot. :D
my pronouns are they

Magnanimous wrote:(fuck the macrons)

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Fri Dec 16, 2011 1:41 pm UTC

nehpest wrote:
AvatarIII wrote:
nehpest wrote:Impossible. I quite like water, but find elemental gin distasteful. There must be something else in water that removes the awful gin taste. Maybe water contains a bit of tonic?


No, it must be something in the gin that makes the gin taste bad, logic dictates gin on it's own must clearly taste exactly like water.

In the interests of full disclosure, my gin experience was almost entirely in the context of martinis. Maybe I just don't like vermouth?


are you taking this conversation seriously? :|

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orangustang
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby orangustang » Fri Dec 16, 2011 7:39 pm UTC

eSOANEM wrote:That's a good one. Although, I think it's better without the line about their dot. :D

Yeah, that's the difficulty with it. If their cross product is zero, that just means linear dependence, which could be taken to mean they're pointing in opposite directions. The dot product makes it clearer, but it also makes it more cumbersome.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Theory of Mind » Fri Dec 16, 2011 10:38 pm UTC

From a Physiological Psychology lecture:

"The hypothalamus governs the four F's: feeding, fighting, fleeing, and mating."

It was especially funny coming from the normally timid professor of the course.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Anaximander » Fri Dec 16, 2011 11:08 pm UTC

How can you tell tell the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist?

Spoiler:
An introverted scientist looks at his shoes when he talks. An extroverted scientist looks at your shoes when he talks.


How do you drive an engineer crazy?

Spoiler:
Tie him to a chair and fold a map up incorrectly in front of him.


I used to remember a ton of other ones...but based on the lamentable quality of these two, it'd probably be best to let sleeping dogs lie. Be forewarned, however. This doesn't mean I won't strike again.

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nehpest
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby nehpest » Sat Dec 17, 2011 3:57 am UTC

AvatarIII wrote:
nehpest wrote:
AvatarIII wrote:
nehpest wrote:Impossible. I quite like water, but find elemental gin distasteful. There must be something else in water that removes the awful gin taste. Maybe water contains a bit of tonic?


No, it must be something in the gin that makes the gin taste bad, logic dictates gin on it's own must clearly taste exactly like water.

In the interests of full disclosure, my gin experience was almost entirely in the context of martinis. Maybe I just don't like vermouth?


are you taking this conversation seriously? :|

Don't worry, I can't tell anymore either.

In the interests of science, I will now find some gin and mix it with various things until it tastes like water; I suspect I'll find the right mix somewhere around try #7.
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TheChewanater
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby TheChewanater » Sun Dec 18, 2011 4:06 am UTC

eSOANEM wrote:This reminds of another joke about people and bars.

Three students, a biologist, a physicist and a mathematician have been asked to perform a survey by the students' union to see how many people use the bar.

Over the course of the day, they see thirty-six people go in and thirty-seven people come out. The biologist says "they must have reproduced", the physicist says "one of our measurements was wrong" and the mathematician says "if one more person goes in, the bar will be empty".

The computer scientist says there are 4294967295 people in the bar.
ImageImage
http://internetometer.com/give/4279
No one can agree how to count how many types of people there are. You could ask two people and get 10 different answers.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby AvatarIII » Mon Dec 19, 2011 12:29 pm UTC

my freind did this on facebook, it's pretty damn bad

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

i googled it and found he got it from here
http://jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/
there are some really bad ones there

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby thesturminator » Tue Oct 20, 2015 9:25 pm UTC

Ok so this one is related to computer science, like all cs related jokes its vague and incredibly stupid. It's also childish toilet humor. I thought of it the other day and is original as far as i know (when i thought of it i texted it to all of my computer savvy friends because i'm a complete moron) here goes:

(_)_)llllllllllD

This is a 'soft' dick.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby p1t1o » Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:59 pm UTC

I dunno if this is an intentional joke, or if its official "physicist speak" or whatever, but the first few lines to the theme tune of "The Big Bang Theory" - "The whole universe was in a hot, dense state."

I always see that as a sort of "physicist joke" - as in, of course it was hot and dense, everything that ever was squished into an infinitesimal point, probably at infinite temperature. Talk about understatement! But when something is infinitely hot and dense, what other words can you use other than....hot and dense. Hyperbole is superfluous under these conditions.

Thats the joke. To me. It gives me a weird inward smirk every time.

Am I the only one?

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby ahammel » Fri Oct 23, 2015 2:29 pm UTC

CS joke:

A RAID member disk walks into a bar, heaves a sigh and orders a beer.
The bartender serves him and says "you feeling OK, friend?"
"Oh, I had a parity error. How could you tell?"
"You seem a bit off."
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby SuicideJunkie » Wed Nov 04, 2015 9:43 pm UTC

Q: What's the Angular Momentum of Catholicism?
Listener: What?!
Q: Well, you see, they've got a lot of masses arranged around the world as it turns...


(Credit to ekolis for this one. Details can be adjusted to accommodate the listener's physics knowledge)

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drachefly
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby drachefly » Mon Nov 09, 2015 9:11 pm UTC

Shoot, that angular momentum is not going to be conserved, at all.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Whizbang » Wed Nov 11, 2015 11:33 pm UTC

An opinion without 3.14 is just an onion.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby somitomi » Sat Nov 14, 2015 3:01 pm UTC

Not exactly a science joke per se, and it's also one of those particularly tedious jokes, where you laugh out of relief ("it's finally over"):
Why do trains clatter?
To answer this question, let's consider what a train consists of: a locomotive and a number of cars. Now the locomotive and the cars clatter the same way, so we can ignore it, and examine the cars. The cars are all mostly identical, so we can focus on just one of them. The car itself consists of a carbody, and an underframe. The carbody does not clatter, so we can ignore it. The underframe consists of the frame itself and the running gear. The frame doesn't clatter, so we can ignore it. There are usually two running gears on a car, but they are mostly identical, so we can focus on just one of them. The running gear consists of springs, axleboxes, and a wheelset. The springs and axleboxes don't clatter, so we can ignore them. The wheelset consists of an axle and two wheels. The axle doesn't clatter, so we can ignore it. The two wheels are mostly identical, so we can focus on just one of them. Now, the wheel is circular, and as we know, the area of a circle is radius squared times pi. Pi is constant, and does not clatter, so we can ignore it. The radius of the wheel doesn't change either, and it doesn't clatter either, so we can ignore that as well. And what we're left with is the square, toppling from one side to the other as the wheel turns, making a clattering noise.

Spoiler:
Part of me is disappointed, that π*r2 is the area and not the circumference of the circle, thus robbing us from the possibility of taking it one step further, where the wheel would consist of the inside part and the circumference, but the inside doesn't clatter, so we can ignore that. The circumference is of course (not) π*r2, and so on...
I'll admit, it's not a very convincing reason to go back, and change the fundamental properties of the universe, is it?
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby DrZiro » Thu Dec 17, 2015 3:14 am UTC

My physics department used to give the students free coffee, until they realised they were making a loss. True story.

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sevenperforce
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby sevenperforce » Thu Dec 17, 2015 1:34 pm UTC

p1t1o wrote:I dunno if this is an intentional joke, or if its official "physicist speak" or whatever, but the first few lines to the theme tune of "The Big Bang Theory" - "The whole universe was in a hot, dense state."

I always see that as a sort of "physicist joke" - as in, of course it was hot and dense, everything that ever was squished into an infinitesimal point, probably at infinite temperature. Talk about understatement! But when something is infinitely hot and dense, what other words can you use other than....hot and dense. Hyperbole is superfluous under these conditions.

Thats the joke. To me. It gives me a weird inward smirk every time.

Am I the only one?

"Hot, dense state" is the term that's been most often used to describe the initial state of the universe...not really an intentional joke.

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Copper Bezel » Thu Dec 17, 2015 2:28 pm UTC

Neil deGrasse Tyson has a bit he likes to repeat sometimes about astrophysics terminology understatements, including "big bang" itself.
So much depends upon a red wheel barrow (>= XXII) but it is not going to be installed.

she / her / her

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Belafon » Tue Feb 16, 2016 10:51 am UTC

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. First one asks for a pint, second one for half a pint, third for a quarter of a pint, nth for 1/(2^(n-1)) of a pint.

Barman hands over two pints and says:

"You mathematicians. You just don't know your limits!"

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby p1t1o » Tue Feb 16, 2016 12:32 pm UTC

Belafon wrote:An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. First one asks for a pint, second one for half a pint, third for a quarter of a pint, nth for 1/(2^(n-1)) of a pint.

Barman hands over two pints and says:

"You mathematicians. You just don't know your limits!"


Perhaps they are recent immigrants and havn't fully integrated yet?

:D?

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby stopmadnessnow » Fri Mar 04, 2016 9:00 am UTC

Belafon wrote:An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. First one asks for a pint, second one for half a pint, third for a quarter of a pint, nth for 1/(2^(n-1)) of a pint.

Barman hands over two pints and says:

"You mathematicians. You just don't know your limits!"


Are they going Dutch? It could get complicated.
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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby Aiwendil » Fri Mar 04, 2016 11:42 pm UTC

I know that these are from four years ago, but I believe there are errors in the following jokes:

chris661 wrote:2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles


Should be 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles.

4 nickels? = 2 paradigms


I believe you'd need 8 nickels to make 2 paradigms.

In a similar vein, let me add:

3 nickels = 1 trime

And, if you'll forgive the same joke in a different form, I can show that I am a nickel:

2 nickels = dime
1 nickel = me

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Re: Bad science jokes!

Postby p1t1o » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:59 am UTC

Aiwendil wrote:And, if you'll forgive the same joke in a different form, I can show that I am a nickel:

2 nickels = dime
1 nickel = me


Well in the spirit of spotting flaws, based on polymer chemistry (trimer, dimer, monomer) I submit that:

1 nickel = monome


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