If real life had Patch Notes...

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If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby WarDaft » Wed May 12, 2010 2:38 pm UTC

Shamelessly stolen from the WoW forums.

Example:
General
-Players now have the option to leave their parents house and enter the newly implemented College system!
-Gas prices have been increased.
-Food prices have been increased.
-Laundry now takes twice as long to complete.
-We decided the city did not feel "full" enough, and so we have implemented extra NPC traffic during the daylight hours.
-Construction will begin along your major route to work/school.
-D's and F's in school now result in a allowance penalty, ranging from 70-100% loss.
-While under the effects of "You feel completely smashed" you have an increased chance to crash your car.
-Insurance premiums increased.
-Decreased the cash drop rates from hobos, this was a bug.

Bug Fixes
-You're allowance/salaray has been reduced by 25%. This will hopefully make you work harder/longer.
-Fixed a bug with the weather system. It should now always rain while you drive, and at night.
-Fixed a bug with MailMan profession which allowed you to read other peoples mail.
-Players should now receive electric bills once again.
-Fixed a bug which caused "Steel BaseBall Bat" to hit for double damage.
-Normal mounts now move properly at 500% increased speed, instead of 700%.
All Shadow priest spells that deal Fire damage now appear green.
Big freaky cereal boxes of death.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Mishrak » Wed May 12, 2010 3:47 pm UTC

General
-New freeways added in an effort to reduce travel times.
-Gas prices have been increased.
-Food prices have been increased.
-Oil changes now correctly prolong the life of your car. For real this time. (see Bug Fixes below)
-Hurricane Season for the East Coast Server and Gulf Coast Server
-Tornado Season for the Midwest Server
-Water Heater installed. 3 year warranty.
-Insurance premiums increased.
-Taxes increased.

Bug Fixes
-There was a rare situation where changing the oil in your car at certain places left your car without any oil! This has hopefully been remedied.
-Decreased post office employee courtesy. They were starting to be nice, this has been fixed.
-Katanas should no longer break when you hit a tree with one.
-Fixed an issue with Windows Vista. Okay, not really, but we thought about it.
-Removed diet Red Bull. What was the point of that anyway? It wasn't giving you the correct wings.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Badion » Wed May 12, 2010 5:40 pm UTC

General
- Thumb drive coolness has been reduced
- iPod is required to access all social groups
- Talking politics at the workplace will result in your alienation from that location. The opposing parties will now park in your space.
- Taking lunch to work is acceptable if you make less than your immediate supervisor, but otherwise will not be applicable.

Bug Fixes
- iPad was labeled "cool" in tool tip, this has been changed to "douche bag".
- Movie with girlfriend quest previously resulted in an error that required game restart, this has now results in 10 minutes of down time where your character will disappear and be unplayable
- Toyota dungeon upgraded from novice to expert. New items added to dungeon include brakes of wrath and ramming speed armor.
One of these things is not like the others.
Every penny saved costs the government 2.1cents.

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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby BurningLed » Wed May 12, 2010 11:36 pm UTC

General
- NPC aggro radius has been increased in both radius and sensitivity.
- Increased aural sensitivity of NPC characters, which scales with the amount of authority they possess.
- Increased rate at which popular songs shift.
- Increased the inanity of popular songs

Bug Fixes
- Weight increase from consumption of Fast Food type comestibles has been increased 150%. This is to prevent players from forming proper eating habits.
- Educational quests and dungeons have been increased in difficulty 200%. We found them too easy -- they will still give the same reward, however.
Axman wrote:Some people blow their cash on watches that they show off to people who think said watches make a person cool. Some people spend a weekend buying everyone fake gifts in a game of make-believe.
I think the latter group is awesome.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Dark Avorian » Wed May 12, 2010 11:46 pm UTC

General:
The luck system has been twerked (haha statisticians)

Bug fixes
-While feeling sad/bored the clock will now continue to advance at a normal rate.
-The Calculus has been examined and re-examined, we have removed all magic from it.
-A glitch causing certain forces to be inverse cube laws has been fixed
-The glitch causing the steadily increasing temperature has been remedied
-We have discovered the root of the God Glitch, religion will soon be removed
The 62-foot tall statue of Jesus constructed out of styrofoam, wood and fiberglass resin caught on fire after the right hand of the statue was struck by lightning.


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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Gorm » Fri May 14, 2010 3:15 pm UTC

General:

- The Health Care System has been completely redesigned! Talk to the government representative in your faction's capital to receive new benefit cards.

Bug Fixes:

- We are implementing a fix to the issue where numerous players have been accessing the USA expansion without completing the proper quests first. This fix is being tested on the Arizona server. Players not native to the zone they are questing in are subject to expulsion by guards if they are not carrying the proper quest rewards in their backpack at the start of the encounter.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Gypped » Fri May 14, 2010 5:06 pm UTC

General:
- In preparation of the future dot-com 3.0 patch, wideband Internet access has begun being implemented in areas with dense activity.
- In order to feign usefulness, the U.S. Congress continues to press for offshore oil drilling.
- Portal is now free on the Steam network. Enjoy!

Bug Fixes:
- Some college students could actually afford tuition. This has been fixed with an increase of tuition and a decrease in scholarships.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby broken_escalator » Fri May 14, 2010 5:09 pm UTC

General:
-New items have been created to coincide the upcoming holiday events.
-The patch for Pluto to become a planet is still under process.
-The old area "Moon" has had its quest prerequisites changed.
-The probability of car mechanical problems resulting in worst case scenario has been increased. The title Cataclytic-Catalytic Converter is rewarded after going through x number of mufflers in a row.

BugsFEATURES:
-A glitch that allowed users to screw up the stock market has been fixed.
-A bug has been found to allow zombies to infect satelites.
-A glitch where fame was awarded in lieu of infamy has been observed. However we are still working on the issue.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Kromix » Fri May 14, 2010 7:11 pm UTC

General:
- Movement to completely ban offshore drilling has begun.
- Movement to increase gas taxes has begun

Bug Fixes:
- Overlay depicting anger has been placed over the US Government to hide the lack of interest toward fixing oil spill issues.

Upcoming Patches:
With the government system maintenance, we are expected in the future to finally implement the following rationing of goods and necessities:
- Food and water, via "consumption allocation cards"
- General goods, via "collective allotment income"
- Travel, via "increase of crude oil taxes" and "decrease in crude oil allowance per capita"
- Health care, via "removal of private sector" and "incrementation of government subsidized subprime socialized health care"
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Mishrak » Fri May 14, 2010 7:18 pm UTC

Bug Fix
-An exploit causing every post to be about politics has been fixed. Hopefully.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Kromix » Fri May 14, 2010 7:27 pm UTC

General:
- After a letter from out technical and development department, we have been announced that 95% of issues encompass the new structured government in place.
- More patch notes to come
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby kaimason1 » Sat May 15, 2010 1:11 am UTC

Bug Fixes:
The oil spill glitch is currently under examination: Hopefully this will solve it for you.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby tastelikecoke » Sat May 15, 2010 3:19 am UTC

Bug Fixes:
Ozone layer now affects Global Warming more by 150% so users wouldn't exploit this to get the Environmentalist class unlocked easily.
We cut down the quality of Movie Industry so Computer Graphics wouldn't be exploited by the Director class.

The reserved skill Quantum Gravitation Law is now being bug fixed and almost ready to be released in the new patch.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Raptortech97 » Sat May 15, 2010 2:30 pm UTC

General:
-New Quest: Stop Apple destroying choice by destroying the App Store

Bug Fixes:
The Stop Insanity quest has been re-evaluated and the difficulty level has been moved from Impossible to Purple Monkeys.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby tastelikecoke » Sat May 15, 2010 4:13 pm UTC

General:
After a complaint filed by concerned parents about too much violence in Life, they decreased fertility rate to solve this problem.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby eggdudeguy » Sat May 15, 2010 4:47 pm UTC

Bug Fix:
Birds' sense of space has been fixed, and they will no longer smack into windows.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Badion » Mon May 17, 2010 4:22 pm UTC

General
- We have added a New Zone and New classes
-New Zone is Movie Theaters with low attendance
- New Class is people who hate their jobs

Bug Fixes
- Friday nights once meant fun, this has been changed to include children and no sex.
- Sunday football will be subject to the NFL network bug, we cannot replace this, but we suggest boycotting the bug until it realizes its a mistake
- Howie Long has been removed as an analyst, we are sorry it took so long
One of these things is not like the others.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby tastelikecoke » Tue May 18, 2010 3:53 pm UTC

Limited:
Portal is now free. Quick and head to the nearest game NPC!

Bug Fixes:
Assassin Creed 2 is now crack-able. This is by the virtue of some complaints by players having difficulties acquiring it.
Oxygen-air percentage has been reduced to 20.416% for no reason at all.
Philippines' first automated election is now fixed of most bugs. Thank you for those patient beta testers.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Kromix » Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:26 pm UTC

news:
in order to delay pressing issues, we will have the president do more pointless meetings.

new patched have been delayed.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Raptortech97 » Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:37 pm UTC

New features:
-We felt there had not been a really major man-made disaster recently. We have fixed this with the quest below.
-There is now a new quest: Clean up the oil. This quest will be charged to BP's account.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby QuantumED » Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:33 am UTC

General:
Being smart is now a way to be alienated from all social groups
Being smart and being fit are now not considered possible (even if subject is)

Bug Fixes:
The man on the moon has been removed, this was an error in coding.
It is not possible to fly - this was also a bug.

Specific:
All chocolate muffins should now come in smaller sizes
Phones and Ipods are now easier to lose than ever before.
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
~The Tenth Doctor~
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Plasma Man » Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:40 am UTC

General:
British_Summer weather mapping is go in the UK region. Enjoy the rain!
Random sock loss rate has been decreased - but see the bug report below.
Frequency of "annoying events" has been increased.
NPCs may now have the "clingy" trait.

Bug fixes:
The bug which resulted in an excess of right-footed socks is being addressed. Until this is resolved, it is suggested that players wear a right-footed sock on their left foot.
Errors in clothing code have resulted in clothing failures. This can be fixed with a patch.
Please note that despite the lovely avatar Sungura gave me, I am not a medical doctor.

Possibly my proudest moment on the fora.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Dman3003 » Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:30 am UTC

General
-Added new feature that allows players to randomly find hats on the ground.
-Removed all refrences to the original Doctor Who (was cluttering up the servers)

Bug Fix
-fixed bug where people recieved copies of Duke Nukem Forever and HL2:ep3. If this happened your account has been given an extra month of time.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby QuantumED » Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:15 am UTC

General:

The code for weapons of mass destruction have been removed from Iraq - they were taking up space on the servers.

Big fixes:
The bug that allowed you to buy a new thing without it becoming outdated the next day has been removed.
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
~The Tenth Doctor~
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Nautilus » Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:47 pm UTC

General:
-Insurance Employees / Bureaucrats will now have the ability to steal with impunity.
-All other classes may sue them for no good reason.

Bug Fixes
-Certain Art pieces which were causing controversy have been removed.
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Badion » Wed Jun 09, 2010 1:30 pm UTC

General:
-Source code for life has been released, unfortunately its not legible.
-Vampire class was found to over powered, Marvel class has been restructured to include Thor tree. Avengers tree is coming, trailer should appear in 6 months.

Bug Fixes:
-iPhone leak fixed, now a new product
-Strangers with candy increased, parents with rods increased, child protective services budget decreased
- health care bug still problem, congress bug still problem, no fix yet, but we have added anarchy tree to counter act some effects
- increased police budget in U.S.A. dungeon


Note:
Despite serious efforts, the Euro patch is still failing. We suggest less auctioning and more direct trade.
One of these things is not like the others.
Every penny saved costs the government 2.1cents.

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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby QuantumED » Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:19 am UTC

General:
The Homework option has now been transferred to the compulsary section.
Everything now involves money. Everything.

Bug fixes:
People now accept things without proof.
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
~The Tenth Doctor~
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Re: If real life had Patch Notes...

Postby Kromix » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:01 pm UTC

GENERAL:
Oil spill will be used as toolkit to form new environmental pushes.


News:

Obama Approval Falls to New Low: 42%
Obama Approval Index: -20
Strongly Approve 24%
Strongly Disapprove 44%
Total Approval 42%
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